Submitting

Sleep

I wonder if being alone would have helped soothe my anxiety and anger. There was the possibility that I could have walked it out in this room or even tried to plan a mini escape and find Liza so that I could talk to her, shake some sense into her but all those possibilities crumbled when Dimitri stepped into the room and locked the door behind him. 

I turned around slowly, and stared him dead in the eye. The fury I felt was a little too vivid in the air. He saw it, ignored it and walked towards the other side of the bed and laid down on his back with his arms resting on his chest. A deep exhale left his lips as he closed his eyes and prepared to fall asleep.

I never experienced such a psychopathic behaviour before.

Sure, he did things that were much, much worse. For example, kidnap me. But this was different? New? He never slept with me, we never shared the same bed before. 

"What are you doing?" It was clear that he had plans of spending the night here, and yet too ridiculous to be acceptable. I thought that we had a mutual understanding or rather a sort of  contract to at least giving me my own space at the end of the night. It had never been violated before and I appreciated that now more than ever. At the back of my head, I knew no matter what I did or said won't change his decision or action. 

"Sleeping. You should too." Back to the emotionless talking, the Dimitri from a few moments ago, the Dimitri at the stairs who confessed, was gone. Like a switch had been flipped too quickly and with force to ensure no failure. 

"W-why here? You are not supposed to be here. You need to go back to your room!" I tried really hard to suppress my outburst at the end of the sentence, but it came out more like a confused yell. 

"You will have to sleep in my room as well then. You can't be left alone tonight, considering your previous adventures." of course that was the reason, and he was not wrong. I most definitely would have tried to get to Liza even in this intoxicated state, which would have undoubtedly led to ultimate failure.

"Why can't you just stop for a second? What will it take for you to stop ruining and controlling my life for at least a moment? You say you love me, but this is not love. All you are doing is hurting me. And I can never love someone like you and I never will no matter what happens. You are just a delusional little kid who is too stubborn and stupid, who has never been taught how to love. I hope you never get to feel it either. You don't deserve it." The words came out of my mouth straight and sharp with no hint of emotion except for the words themselves that were enough to slice through his stone-cold heart. Or so I hoped.

He didn't say anything and just laid there as if I said nothing at all. Unaffected and pretending to be asleep, as if that was possible in just a mere few seconds. His ignorance did fume me at first, but I knew I hurt him and just like every other emotional reaction, he was hiding it. 

I stood there still for a couple of minutes and kept staring at him, the alabaster statue that barely even breathed. How could someone like him come to exist? 

A defeated sigh was all that I could leave in the cold air, as my tired and intoxicated body couldn't keep up with the turmoil in me any more. I walked over to the bed with blurred eyes as they closed shut the moment my head hit the pillow. Asleep, something I wish I could be all the time. 

****

A pounding headache and nausea to wake up to, would have been far better than the breathless jolt of anxiety that sped up my heartbeat to uncountable measures. I blinked several times with my hand on my chest and my mouth gasping for air. It was hard to focus but necessary to remember to breathe deeply until the chaos died down. A sort of involuntary act that kicked in on its own after all the previous run-ins with the things that I had to go through in my life.