Love & Serenity

Chapter 44

After Deidre left Jax's and stopped over at Mindy's as she promised she would before she left, well, she left Jax unable to work. He sat in his living area on the sofa he and Lillian had fallen asleep that night.

His heart pounded in his chest as he stared at the manuscript that was on the centre table. It read Almost Love by Heather Brown. Jax wasn't sure what to feel, on one hand, he loved Heather Brown and on the other, he was in love with Lillian. But he'd ruined what they had for fear of losing the peace he'd found in Burlington for the past five years.

Jax's leg bounced as he stared at the manuscript. He took in a deep breath before he reached for it and picked it up.

Here goes nothing...or everything.

He flipped the first page, but the dedication page was left blank and so he flipped again and got started on the prologue, and he read.

Lillian wondered where his smile had been hiding all along. It was as if he'd kept it hidden and now as he talked about his past, about books, there it was. It was almost like he had the same feelings as her when it came to books...

Jax was done with the manuscript by noon and his heart broke for the character Lillian had portrayed as her. The end had been tragic, them parting ways and finding their ways back to who they used to be before they met each other. It sounded like a happy ending for each of them, respectively, in the book. But in reality, he could not picture a life without her in it. Which is what he'd been trying to get over for the past few weeks. He'd been trying to picture his future without her but he saw her in all of it and that had kept him up, wondering how he was going to look forward to a future she would be no longer in.

Before Deidre showed up, he'd been hurt, sad, broken but still very much in love. Now, after reading the book and knowing everything he hadn't let her say that night, he felt like the ultimate jerk.

Jax's gaze shifted to Otto who was curled up on his bed watching him. Jax's gaze then shifted to his key bowl. He was up in a moment and walked towards the kitchen to where the letter had been for the past week. The letter had haunted him every morning having to see it before he headed out. It was a reminder of both love and heartbreak. But now as he looked at it, it was a reminder of what he'd lost.

Jax picked the letter as he took a seat at the kitchen island. He stared at his name which she'd written across the envelope.

He peeled it open and unfolded the pages and sighed the second he saw just his name at the greetings, no endearments.

The letter read:

Jackson,

I'm sorry. I am so sorry that I made you feel betrayed. I'm sorry I made you feel like the love I had for you was all a lie. But it wasn't. Everything I felt for you was real, more real than anything I've ever felt.

Yes, I hid the fact that I am a writer but it's not for any of the reasons you think, nothing as heartbreaking as what you claimed. I could never betray you in that way, ever. You mean so much to me and I could never do something that would hurt you intentionally.

I came to Burlington because of Deidre, my friend and agent. She thought Burlington would give me back something I haven't had in a long while; inspiration. I came here to write a book and I wanted to be me, Lillian and not my alias.

You were my inspiration, Jackson. You gave me back everything I'd lost and so much more. Even if it might not mean as much to you right now, I am so grateful that I got to meet you and even more so for what we shared. I hope you can forgive me for going behind your back and writing the book.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Love,
Lillian.

P.S.: I promise I won't publish the book.

Jax exhaled heavily as he placed his head in his hands thinking of what a fool he'd been from the moment he saw her notepad to not letting her in on the night of her birthday.

She'd just wanted to spend a special day with him and he'd not only ruin it, he'd also probably made her birthday a day she never wanted to celebrate anymore.

Jax spent the rest of the pacing back and forth in his living area wondering what he was going to do and how he was going to do it. He had no idea how to even get to her.

Deidre!

Deidre had left her card. Thank goodness.

Ok, so he had to get Lillian's address from Deidre and figure out what the heck he would even say to Lillian to even get her to talk to him much less forgive him for how he'd handled the situation.

"Otto," Jax called and Otto lifted his head from where he laid, "You're going to stay here with Davis while I go get her back."

Otto barked and wagged his tail as if he knew exactly what Jax had said.

At the same time in New York, Lillian got everything she'd need for her trip back to Burlington the following day. She kept repeating in her head, get in, get out.

She wouldn't see him, she told herself. Even if she did, she was pretty sure he'd ignore her and she would gladly do the same thing rather than be embarrassed all over again. She'd had a fill of it that night and she wasn't looking for another encounter that would result in her getting humiliated.

Jackson.
Her heart sighed his name.

Jesus, take the wheel.

She prayed; physically and emotionally.