Just My Luck

Found Diary Entry #5

September 6, 2018 20:08

i don't ever get what i want.

and if i do, i never keep it.

the big thing i wanted was a life where i was happy. like... really happy. not just content, but so happy that i didn't want things added. i never craved certain foods or wanted to see certain movies in theaters; i was perfectly fine waiting for it to come my way. everything was in order and falling into place.

it took me years, but i finally got what i wanted. a group that i felt a part of. confidence in my school performances. naturally being free of worry and negativity. my dream boy. the ability to back out when i needed to. and the privacy/independence from my parents that i needed.

and i had all of it. friends that i really did care about, hella good grades, minimal worry, an actual angel of a boyfriend, and so much more.

of course, with all the work i poured into it, i got the results i wanted. but while i got the desired results, they were permanent.

that whole mess stuck around for a few months... and then slowly fell apart... until nothing was left. absolutely nothing.

i had to find new friends, my grades were slipping, i'm constantly afraid and paranoid, and even...

but i'm not here to complain, really.

i'm just wondering why? why did it happen?

i've heard a lot of people say that it was meant to happen, and that it happened for a reason. all that does is piss me off. whatever "reason" it happened for, i don't give a shit. i don't want it.

and my parents say that it was "good for us". like... what the fuck? good for them maybe. it fixed their marriage, revealed my mom's true personality, and made my siblings more obedient (mostly out of fear that they would suffer the same fate i did if they messed up). as much as i want to say i'm glad that everyone else is happy, i can't.

because im not. and im not sure i will be.
and all the time i spent alone with myself, the more it all dug deeper. i thought that i deserved it. i thought about everything i could've don't to prevent it. i thought about how i should've just offed myself a long time ago, and avoided falling in love and avoided making friends and avoided just being anything to anyone because all it does is hurt.

i wake up, pain. i shower, pain. i eat... not, not really.

i laugh, pain. i dream, pain. i think about everything that made me happy before, pain.

i can't even be in my room anymore. i have too many memories in here to be okay. it's like every inch of my wall is projecting my past into my eyes and showing me everything i loved and everything i had before and it hurts.

what did i do to deserve this?

was i too bitchy? was i ungrateful? was i not good enough? was i a bad friend? a worse girlfriend? i don't know anymore...

i just want to go away... for a long time...

A/N: After the mental hospital...