𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐒𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐒 - 𝘚𝘊𝘖𝘙𝘊𝘏 𝘛𝘙𝘐𝘈𝘓𝘚

23 ~ 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙪𝙥 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙖𝙙𝙚

Newt

I have always been the lying type. Not because I wanted to hurt people with it, but the opposite. I lied to protect people. Sometimes the truth was more hurtful. That's why I lied again, about myself being bitten. Because I knew it would hurt everyone else if they knew the truth.

The truth was, I did get bitten. It was on my left forearm. It was small – it barely even bled – but I knew it was fatal. Perhaps my emotions were broken, because I didn't feel anything as I stared at the wound while lying in bed that night. Nothing except guilt.

There was no way I could stay here now. It would just be putting the entire camp in danger. I knew that my friends would never let me leave. They would tell me that we'd find a way through, that we'd figure it out. But they were dreamers, and I was not.

There wasn't a way to get out of this one. Not this time.

Lottie was the only one who noticed my change of mood in the day that followed. She would constantly be asking me if I was okay, and when I said I was, she didn't believe me. She didn't push it, though. That's what I loved about her. She would encourage you to get things off your chest, but she also was aware that not everything had to be public.

I really didn't want to leave her. I didn't want to leave any of them. I couldn't help but think that they needed me.

I wouldn't be me much longer though. The me that would be here soon, they definitely didn't need. How would I find it in myself to leave though? Where would I go? Just anywhere but here, I suppose.

The days passed, and my motivation to leave was at an all time low. I was beginning to lose sleep. I barely ate; my stomach felt like it wouldn't accept food. I would zone out when people talked to me. I could tell that my friends were beginning to worry.

"Have you been getting enough sleep?" Lottie asked, furrowing her eyebrows at the circles under my eyes.

I smiled and shook my head.

"When was the last time you ate?" Minho asked when I pushed away breakfast for the third time.

I shrugged.

"Where does that mind of yours go?" My sister Sonya asked when I stared unknowingly into space.

I blinked. "Somewhere you don't want to be."

I was beginning to get snappy too. I would be harsh to everyone, suddenly, without reason. Then I would have to apologize and blame it on the lack of sleep. I blamed the lack of sleep on the excitement and jitters for the approaching raid, which I obviously wouldn't be able to go to.

I didn't realize how much Lottie cared about me until I knew I had to leave her. It would break her. Crush her to pieces. She told me constantly that she loved me. That I was important, and special. I would say it back, of course, and mean it. I just wish she wouldn't say those things to me. It would make leaving much easier if she hated me.

Which gave me an idea. A horrible, evil idea, but it just might work.

I began to be absolutely horrible to everyone I came in contact with. My friends would try to talk to me, but I would ask them to leave me alone. Every time I would interact with them, I would let a rude tone take over, rolling my eyes.

The sweeter of my friends, like Frypan or Sonya, would just give me a look of surprise at my harshness but then give me a sympathetic smile and then walk away. However, the... louder of my friends, like Minho or Brenda, would call me out on my behavior.

"Why are you being such a slinthead today?" Minho asked when I glared and rolled my eyes at him all day. He confronted me before we went to sleep, with his hands on his hips. He didn't even look that angry. He just looked hurt, which made this all harder. I would much rather him yell at me than be hurt by me.

"'M not," I replied shortly, keeping up the façade.

"Yes, you are," he replied. "In fact, you've been awful for days. I'm not sugarcoating it."

I scowled at him. "Don't act as if you've never been in a bad mood."

"But for days? Newt, you're upsetting everyone. Lottie's been asking me about you nonstop."

"I don't care," I retorted, my heart taking a stab as the words left my mouth. "This whole thing is ridiculous. There's no way we're going to take down WICKED. All of you and your stupid hopes and dreams; it's pointless. We'll lose."

Minho blanched at my shower of negative comments, and now he was angry. "What the hell, man? If you don't want to come on the raid, you don't have to. But you can't blame the rest of us for wanting to get revenge."

"It's not revenge. It's idiotic suicide," I growled.

I was proud of Minho for not punching me in the face yet. I was even prouder when he stood up straight and walked away without another word.

Before the bite, Lottie and I would sleep in the same bed. Now, I refused. I would tell her I needed space, or that I just didn't feel like it. At first, she was understanding. Then she got frustrated. I supposed today was the last straw.

"Can I please sleep with you tonight? I'm cold." She asked. Usually, if she said something like that, I would let her in without another word. Not tonight.

"I'm not," I said harshly, putting my hands behind my head and reclining in my cot as if I didn't have a care in the world. Lottie was silent for a few moments. I watched her face crumple, my own remaining impassive.

"Look, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but I hate it," she began. I noticed a little tremble in her voice, and I had to resist the urge to spring up and hug her. "You've been very mean to me. To all of us. I don't think that's fair. I'm not going to tolerate it. So until you get yourself together... Stay away from me."

She turned around and went to her own cot, throwing herself into it. I thought I heard a small sob come out of her before she hid under the covers.

I squeezed my eyes shut. My head ached. My chest burned. I couldn't do this anymore. Why did I think it was a good idea to make everyone hate me? Well, now they did, and I didn't think I could bear it.

I took it as a sign. It was time to go. 

A/N

I'm in all Payne no Liam. Make sure you vote!

- 𝐠𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐭