𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐒𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐒 - 𝘚𝘊𝘖𝘙𝘊𝘏 𝘛𝘙𝘐𝘈𝘓𝘚

25 ~ 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧

Dear Lottie,

If you're reading this, that means that you're awake, and most likely looking for me. I'll put your mind at ease right now and say that you won't find me.

I'm truly sorry to leave you like this. I just know that if I tried to say all of this in person, I would never have the courage to get up and go. So, I am writing this before the sun comes up, when everyone is still asleep. I'm on that outcropping where you first kissed me. It still feels like a dream; I never would have been able to comprehend that a girl like you could love someone like me. Yet, you kissed me. You told me you loved me. A dream come true.

I suppose I should tell you why I left. You see, that night when the Cranks attacked, I lied to you. I did get bitten. I am not trying to excuse my behavior for the last few weeks, but that would be why I was so horrible. Partly. The other part was because I hoped that if you all hated me, it would cause you less pain when I finally left. I realize now that it was stupid. I know that if you were mean for a week, that wouldn't stop me from loving you. I would only be frustrated. If you left, I would still try to find you. But I'm telling you now: don't try to find me.

I am not Immune to the Flare, and that makes me dangerous. I had to leave, to protect you and the others. Don't worry. This is what I wanted. It does not make me happy to leave you, but if I had to make a choice between your safety and my happiness, I will always choose you.

I am headed north, towards that Crank Palace in Denver that Laurence was telling us about. Perhaps I'll find a group of Cranks I can stay with before I lose my sanity, which is inevitable. Hopefully they don't eat me before I'm able to eat them first.

Sorry. I doubt you're in the mood for jokes.

Now, onto the mushy stuff. The real stuff.

Since I couldn't get the chance to tell you how much I loved you in person, I've decided to put it in this letter, and I hope that is enough. Even though I know it never will be. Nothing could ever be enough to describe you and me.

I love you, Lottie. I have ever since you came up in the Box, even if I hadn't realized yet. But then I started to notice you, and everything about you. Like the way your eyes turn from chocolate brown to nearly black when you're angry. When you twist your hair between your fingers when you're nervous. That every time you were upset back in the Glade, you would take a walk in the forest because you loved it so, and come back as good as new. And I would allow it. I didn't know why I did back then, but I do now. It was because you mean everything to me.

Before you came up in the Box, I was in such a dark place. It had gotten so bad that I even jumped off one of the Maze walls, just to end it all. It didn't work. I wanted to die so badly, but when you came up in the Box, things changed. You showed me that there were things to live for. I realized that I didn't want to die; what I really wanted was to start living. And because of you, I did.

I think the moment I knew I loved you was when Minho came running around the last corner of the Maze with your lifeless body in his arms. Horrible timing, I know. But I just remember the fear. Fear that I had lost you, that my light in the world had gone out. But Minho had gotten through the Door in time, and we were able to save you. I owe Minho my life, because he saved yours.

I used to have nightmares about losing you, and I still do. But then I wake up to find you there with the sun glinting off your hair and your eyes shining. And the world is okay again.

Now that I am gone, I won't be able to wake up and see you next to me anymore, and the thought terrifies me. I hope you don't burn this letter, so you have a piece of me that can wake up with you when I cannot.

Good luck on the raid. You are going to save the world, Lottie, and I wish I was going to be there with you to experience it. But I know that you will do whatever you think is right, and you haven't been mistaken yet.

If I could regret anything, it is that we didn't have enough time, but I wouldn't change a thing. And when everything is over and fixed, I hope you'll look back at this time and say the same.

Thank you for saving my life.

I love you,

Newt