Puranay Rastay ✓

chapter ‣ 17b

"Khaled, would you consider marrying Rida?"

No.

Loving Rida was not a choice. Just like eating magnesium to ease my insomnia, talking out loud to my Lord to ease the burden of my heart, loving Rida was a reality that I could not, did not question. But marrying her? That was something I could not fathom.

What the heart desires is not what one necessarily gets, nor is it beneficial in some cases. Marrying Rida, making her my wife, would not be good for either of us. She would spend her life with someone unsuited for her, while I would live my life being restless for not being more.

"Bhai said what?" My mother was hysterical at the revelation of Mamoo's question.

"He asked me if I would consider marrying Rida," I said slowly, keeping my voice steady at the unanticipated situation.

"When?"

"Just now."

Mamoo's words still echoed in my ear, "I'm regretful that it took me this long to realize this: if there's anyone other than us who will care for her unconditionally, it is you." It was like a dream, hearing someone acknowledge acts I did not want praise for. "Only after moving back, I've noticed the way you look out for her, the way you care." He paused then, studying me. My heart hammered in my chest, silently praying the night was too dark for him to see the blood rushing to my face. "The flaw in our eyes is that we value the wrong traits. We chase glamor and a promise of stability, and not one's character and capacity for compassion. Khaled, son, if your search for a spouse ever leads to our door, I will be honored to present my daughter as an option."

After his query, we had left the matter in silence and walked the remaining distance and soon parted with a good night and Assalamu'alykum. I knew Mamoo had left me to mull over this question, not pushing me to answer right away. He wouldn't plead, he wouldn't force. Rida was too precious for him to go to a man and beg him to marry her, at the same time, he loved me enough to let me take my time before agreeing on taking someone else's responsibility.

"What did you say?" Mama held my arm tightly, staring at me expectedly. She had already undone her braids for the night, standing before me in her soft pajamas and flowing hair.

"I–I didn't say anything."

She stared at me, unmoving, then nodded, as if trying to take in the enormity of what had just happened. Mamoo's family had said no to us when we had proposed the idea, so coming to us today was humbling, yet overwhelming.

"Do you think Nasreen bhabi was on board with this?" Mama wondered, pulling out a dining chair to sit down.

Do you think Rida is on board with this? I wanted to ask, the butterflies in my stomach going into a frenzy. Could she be possibly in favor of this? Did she want to marry me?

"Ya Allah." I pulled out a chair for myself, not trusting my legs anymore.

Nothing and everything would change based on what I decided.

Mamoo, you've really put us in a predicament.

"Ya Rabb, take me out of this predicament," I prayed late into the night, having been unable to sleep.

A gentle, whistling wind slapped across my face, lightly ruffling my wavy beard. I pressed my hands on the soft fabric of the prayer mat, feeling the cold floor of the roof through the thin material.

"I desired her for so long, I forgot there's a destination after desire," I whispered, feeling ashamed of myself as I processed my thoughts. "I'm sorry for saying that, Ya Rabb. I shouldn't be talking about her like that...but Ya Maalik, I can't deny the sincerity behind my feelings too. I'm sorry, you know I never had any malice in my heart, I–I'm sorry again."