The Secrets She Kept

The Secrets She Kept - Chapter 13

The house looked no different to the last time I had visited. It had been a year? No, more than that. Somehow, I had let the months slip past one after the other. It had been too easy. There was always some emergency – some excuse as to why I couldn't stop by.

Two gleaming cars sat upon a perfectly manicured driveway. The brick built house was large, nestled in the midst of an expensive suburb of Kent. Though he was far from rich, the entire situation screamed that my dad was comfortably well off.

I swallowed past the tang of acid in the back of my throat. It was petty but I could feel the little green monster sitting on my shoulder, pointing out all of the things I should have had.

I shook my head and turned off the ignition. It was so strange to see the way Dad was living now when Mum and I had struggled for years. But, then again, was it really his fault? She had chosen to leave him. She had chosen to betray him. I had chosen to follow her without knowing all the facts.

Knowing what I did now, could I blame him for not supporting her financially afterwards?

Picking out the small gift bag from the foot well, I drew in a steadying breath. Would he know? Would he see the truth on my face? He always had a way of telling when I was lying.

Before I could change my mind and back the car out of the driveway, the front door of the house opened. And there he was. Dad.

Pushing open the door, I climbed out with my face already stretching into a smile. Only just remembering to lock the car behind me, I hurried forwards and straight into his waiting arms.

His tall frame was softer than I remembered, early retirement treating him well, and yet, his hugs were just the same. He wrapped his arms around me, rocking from side to side as he did so. He even smelled the same. Old spice and the faintest hint of the cigarettes he tried to convince everyone he had given up.

His perfectly trimmed moustache brushed my brow as he pressed a kiss to my temple. I knew if I looked up he would be smiling. The way he always did.

Yet I couldn't look up. I wasn't ready. Instead, I tightened my arms around him.

God, I missed this. I missed him.

I missed him more than I could even put into words.

Even if visits were sparse, I used to call. I would make a point of it. But, since discovering Mum's little box of secrets, I hadn't even been able to manage that. I hadn't called. I hadn't sent messages. I had only sent the obligatory cards and gifts as occasions came and went. After all, what was there to say?

The secret hung there between us. It was like an invisible cloud of toxins just threatening to poison the only good thing I had left. The only good thing I had let myself keep.

"Hey, now. What's all this?" He asks as his arms loosen and he pulls back.

It was only as a small sob escaped my lips that I even realised I was crying. My shoulders trembled his hands. As I peered up at him through eyelashes wet from tears, I fought to control the tangled mess within me. The guilt. The shame. The regret. The grief. The love. The relief that for now he still loved me just the same.

There were too many things and they were all clamouring for attention. As I stared up into his face, the urge to unburden myself was there. Despite how little I saw of him, he was still my dad. He was still a safe harbour.

But what if he's not? What if he's not and he doesn't know? It would break his heart. Selfishly, it would break mine too. I would never want him to treat me any differently. He was the only person I had left – even if I had kept him at a distance for years because I had blamed him for the split in our family. No matter how poorly I had treated him, I had always known that he loved me. I had always known that he would be there for me.