A Diary of Soul (Unedited Version)

69. infinity

I hope.

And in my head is this screaming rage. In my bones I am seething. My soul spills fire, seeks a sword to wield. My heart is bleeding.
I hope for more than moments with fleeting highs.

Existing is difficult in a reality which your mind defies. In my dreams the night seeps from my skin, the sun burns in my soul. I have steel for bones. I do not walk this land alone. I have taken a piece of the sky and woven a cosmic cloak. In my dreams we are rulers of an empire. With reflective minds as sharp as diamonds, as valuable as gold. We walk the path which life aspires. We have revived that which is below.

In person I am surrounding myself with the missing pieces. I am embracing my Future. She smiles at me, places a comforting hand in mine, and prepares me for what is to come. "Take your rage and your anger, use their fire to mould yourself into who you wish to be."
"Take your zeal, mend your heart. Don't rise only to fall apart."

My fingers are bruised, my feet are bleeding, and I am working so painstakingly to build a fortress. Persistence is so difficult sometimes because I know I shouldn't do this alone. I can't do this on my own. Then, I almost quit, then somehow I find myself again. I cannot keep going like this, I need a fortress from this rain.

In my head I sit with myself. Who I was, am, will be. Past is quiet. She is silently judging me. We hold the same scars, we are almost the same. While she was kissed by Darkness, it is mine to tame. But sometimes I lose hold and suddenly drown. My lungs burn a little, my eyes grow dim, and I am suffocated by all I should've and all I didn't. I mourn everything I've failed to be. The Past has never screamed so loudly.

I emerge from dark waves, barely alive, ears ringing. Future drags me to the shore. Reminds me of the treasure I'm looking for. She shines in places I do not. She has mastered her darkness. While my laugh is a tad bit insane, hers... .
Well, I have no idea. At the moment I do not know. But her eyes are alive and her laugh is light. She has placed a map in my hands and left me with a compass, retreating to the back of my mind, because this treasure is mine to find.

I lie in the sand and listen a-while as they whisper secrets of travellers past. Words carved in ink, and blood, and love, and enchanting wars. I lay my map before me, it is blank. Its edges are kissed by memory, its surface is chaos' incarnate. I feel betrayed. I feel confused. I am curious, then alive. I weave a part of my soul through the threads of the stars and make my path. I aim at a galaxy and shoot myself through the sky like an arrow.

I hope and I dream. Moving through chaos to infinity.

2:22
26.02.23