Gold Dust Widow: The Story of an Outlaw's Revenge

Chapter 34: Clara

Two months earlier

I gazed down at his face. Silver moonlight glinted through the window, illuminating the small room.

His expression was finally peaceful, his eyelids fluttering as he dreamed. I pushed at the dark hair that fell over his forehead, running my fingers through the fine strands. My bruised knuckles seemed to stand in stark contrast to his olive-toned skin.

His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat, the muscles in his face tensing for a moment, then relaxing again. He looked so much younger, boyish, with his badly cut stubble and the gashes on his lips.

So broken.

I broke him.

My fingers moved down his face, his skin was still hot, but much cooler than it had been when he was fighting the fever. His breathing had calmed now as well.

My knees ached from how I kneeled on the floor, and my side throbbed from the riding the sheriff and I had done to recuperate the bodies over the last few days.

I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead down against his shoulder. His calm breathing was the only sound in the small room.

My eyes stung as fat teardrops rolled down my face. The vision of his brother's face flashed into my mind, blurry. His expression of acceptance. He didn't even try to defend himself. He knew I wouldn't let him live.

How could Jasper forgive me for that?

I shifted slightly so that I could grasp his clammy hand. I pressed my lips against his palm, resting my cheek against his calloused skin.

"It was ego. It was hurt and blind pain," I whispered. "All that bloodshed. All those lives. I promised myself I would end it all. I vowed never to cry for them again, I vowed I wouldn't be weak. I promised them I would get them justice."

I wiped at my tears, unable to even look at his face, my shame burning my cheeks. "It turned into something bigger, not just their lives, but all of those who'd been wronged. And it lasted so long. For so many years, I never realised how lost I was. Until I met you. You were there, by my side. Looking at me with honour, righteousness, and truth."

I pressed my lips against his palm again, tears soaking his skin. "My memories of my family were my energy. I didn't realise that I was playing with fire. Not before you got burned. Not before they all burned down. I just wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel the same pain I felt. But he didn't, did he, Jasper?" my voice broke.

"He died quickly because I wasn't able to fight him. Years of training, years of hunting him down. Living for the dream to have him in my grasp, living for the thrill of seeing life leave his eyes. And yet, when it came down to it, I was barely able to get out alive. I was weak. And I took you down with me."

He winced again, and I leaned up closer to him; gently pushing myself up and sitting on the edge of the bed. It squeaked slightly under my weight as I pulled my legs up and lay down next to him. His big body radiated heat, and I wrapped my arms around his torso, my face buried into his chest. My body relaxed next to his, his serene breathing calming mine.

"I miss the girl who I used to be. You would have liked her," I smiled slightly, remembering my childhood. I could think of Liana and Jamie with a smile for the first time in years. I could see her eager face as she spun him around in her arms. I remembered my Mama making her famed biscuits, and my Pa pulling out the roast turkey for Christmas dinner.

I pressed my lips against the hollow of Jasper's throat.

"It should have been you," I whispered. "It would have been you. I will always be yours. But it's all over now, Jasper. The war is over. The bloodshed is over. There is no glory. I will never go back. It's all over."