𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃, max verstappen

12 ; you make me feel alive

The moment I opened my eyes in the morning and felt Max's naked body against mine, I knew I had made a mistake.

I had slept with Max.

Something I had sworn never to do again.

Something that was so wrong, but had felt so damn right.

Everything about what we had done was wrong.

But I couldn't think about that. Max rested his forehead against my neck, stroking up and down my torso as he placed gentle kisses along my neck.

Goosebumps spread over my body, showing me that he still wanted Max's touch as much as he did at the beginning.

"We need to get up." I breathed, unable to force out a sensible sentence. His presence made me so foggy that my thoughts raced to organize themselves.

"Not yet."

I turned to face the Dutchman, even though every cell in my body was resisting.

Chest to chest.

Heart to heart.

My heart was beating so fast that I could even feel it throbbing in my throat as I sank deeper and deeper into the sea of Max's eyes, trying to read his thoughts.

Max put a warm hand on my cheek and stroked some of my unruly strands of hair behind my ear.

I closed my eyes, never wanting to forget this moment again, wanting to push it to the back of my mind so that I could recall it again and again.

"That was wrong... We shouldn't have..." I interrupted myself, clearing my throat to make my voice sound a little firmer. "No." Max shook his head. "It was the best decision I've made in a long time." He stroked my cheek with his thumb, looking so deeply into my soul with his storm-blue eyes that I felt dizzy.

"No..." Lost in thought, I traced his stomach muscles and ran my fingertips over the soft skin, giving Max goose bumps that made him groan. "Everything about that was wrong. You should go now." I wanted to get up, but Max held me tightly against him.

"You make me feel alive," He breathed, his face so close to mine that I could feel his breath on my lips. "Ever since we ended our relationship, all I've felt is numb. When you're with me... Touching me..." He placed my hand on his glowing chest. "I feel alive again. I feel the lightning flash through my body, bringing me back to life. You make me feel alive again."

I looked at him speechlessly, because Max always seemed to find the perfect words —

While I couldn't put a single logical thought together in his presence.

"I love you, Matilda. I love you with all my heart. It belongs to you. Take it or break it. It belongs only to you."

"Stop." I straightened up, upset, not wanting to hear any of this. He had already broken my trust once. What was stopping him from doing it again? "You're being unfair."

I tussled my hair, got up from the bed and wrapped one of the used towels on the floor around my body. There was nothing Max hadn't seen before, but it didn't feel right.

"You should go now. I need time, Max." I tried to explain, biting my bottom lip to stop the tears in my eyes from rolling down my cheeks. "You can't break my heart and then expect me to take you back with open arms. That's not how life works."

And yet, that was exactly what I had done last night.

"What can I do?" Max's voice broke, because he knew as well as I did that last night wasn't going to fix everything. It was fine while it lasted —

But now it had to stop.

"Go." I pressed out, not meaning a single word. "I need time. I need to... think."

Instead of leaving, he came up to me and put his hands on my cheeks. There was a hurt expression on his hard features and it broke my heart, because I was to blame.

"I'll wait for you," Max breathed, placing a heartbreakingly soft kiss on my lips, but I broke away from him before I could have fallen for him again. "For as long as you need. I won't let you down again."

I looked up at him.

He didn't understand that he was being incredibly unfair because he didn't realize my inner conflict. He didn't know what was going on in my head. He didn't know and he would never know.

"Go now, Max." I had no strength left to fight him and I knew I would get involved with him again if he didn't leave now.

He broke away from me, looked down at me again before I had to watch him leave me for the third time. This time he looked back before he walked through the door, but my heart felt just as dull as it had the last few times.

Because my heart knew he would leave again. My heart knew he would drop me again.

The door slammed shut and I slid down the wall behind me, wanting nothing more than for Max to come back to me, take me in his arms and tell me that everything was going to be okay.

But could it?

Could everything be okay again?

My heart ached the longer I thought about our messed-up situation. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe, just maybe, the Lord was sending me a sign that Max wasn't the one.

But that didn't mean it hurt any less. The realization felt like little knives piercing through my broken heart and wounding it even more.