Life After You And Me

Drifting Through the Void

A sea of vibrant souls surrounds the pulsating club. The energy is electrifying as bodies sway to the rhythm, laughter fills the air, and lights dance in sync with the music.

A light smile forms on my face as I witness my colleagues unwind from another week of hell. A week of non-stop abuse and harassment from those who deem themselves more important than us. A week of being looked down on and insulted for not providing a service that fits a piqued standard.

This is the day we get to rave out our frustrations and release our minds from the confines of rude customers and bare minimum wage.

A distraction to our reality before we start again next week.

Elizna is in the heart of the dance floor moving her hips viciously, like her life depends on it. Vusi is busy hitting on the 5th girl this evening, I think he managed to get their numbers... poor girls.

Sego seems to have taken a liking to the bartender. Either that or she really loves alcohol.

Everyone is having fun. Strangers in the club look like they're having the time of their lives. But amidst this whirlwind of euphoria, I am engulfed in a profound sense of disconnection.

My heart feels heavy. A hefty burden weighs on me, preventing me from fully immersing myself in the well-deserved moment. If I could count the number of times I was sworn at and disrespected at work, I'd run out of fingers.

So I need this as much as anyone else.

However, a barrier separates me from the infectious joy surrounding me. 

Every beat, every melody reverberates through the air, enticing me to join the dance, but I am paralyzed by an unexplainable melancholy.

 Deep down, I long to be swept away by the current of joy, to surrender myself to the music and dance like nobody's watching.

Deep down I want to forget all my troubles. My pain.

I want to forget that my life ended before it even started. That outside of my daughter, I live for nothing.

Maybe I've surrendered to the music far too many times and my body won't let me escape my dark thoughts anymore. The gloom that has been hiding behind the occasional stints of joy and brief periods of delights is suddenly looming from the shadows, begging to be set free.

I can't help but question the trajectory of my life and my marriage. Where did everything go wrong?

Was it the moment I introduced Olli to my family? Was it when I picked fights with him when he came home at midnight? When he worked late because he was trying to give me a life he never had. If he'd told me what he was going through, would things be different with us?

Would I be lying in bed next to my husband while our daughter slept in another room? Not worrying about making a living because my husband would be taking care of us.

I'd surely still have my beautiful pet store that my husband helped bring to life.

If I hadn't made the silly judgment that cost me my marriage, my daughter would have the life she deserves. She wouldn't be split between two homes. To have to look at another woman and wonder if she has to call her mom too.