Juniper Blue (NaNoWriMo2023; manxman)

Chapter 25

Gabriel

My eyes followed the Toyota Rav-4/Uber down the street until it disappeared around the corner. I shivered, folding my arms across my chest. Until then, I hadn't realized I was in a t-shirt and shorts in my bare feet. "He's a nice young man," my father said, startling me on the front stoop. 

I didn't move, biting my bottom lip as I fought back my boyish tears. I was the one who caused these tears and no one else.  

"I thought he'd stay longer," my father continued.

As tears froze on my cheeks, I turned to my dad, just looking for something... any words of advice or wisdom. He was great at advising others, but not so great when it came to his son. I was always different, not the type of son he wanted. I felt like a lovesick teenager instead of a grown man. Juniper was more mature than I was.

"You make things far more difficult than they need to be," my father said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Come on. Let's get out of the cold."

My dad reached out in a way he'd never done before, yet I attempted to push him away because I didn't want him to see me completely breakdown. It was like I wanted to prove I could be strong. "Come to my office," he said.

"I... I... think I want to be alone," I said, barely audibly. I sounded and acted like a scared little boy.

"No. You're coming to my office," he said, bringing his arm around me and walking me to his office. As a little kid, he used to drag me by my sleeve whenever he was about to lecture me and/or ground me, and it always took place in his office. I was grounded a lot as a kid.

I sat in the chair in front of his desk, slouched as tears intermittently fell. Instead of sitting behind his desk like he usually did, my father sat in the chair beside me.

"Why didn't you go with him?" he asked.

I couldn't hold it in anymore and broke down. I'd hoped to shed these tears in the privacy of my room. I could barely speak. "He didn't want me to come. I fucked up. I really fucked up. He's the greatest thing that's happened to me and I fucked it up like I've fucked up everything else in my life."

"I wish you wouldn't use such foul language," my father said. "I know you're upset. You're an Ivy League graduate, a trauma physician. You're brilliant. You just make a lot of bad choices. Everyone makes bad choices. Look at me and your mother. We should never have lied to you. Lying is never acceptable, and you shouldn't have lied, either."

"Lied about what?"

"You let me and everyone else believe that Juniper was a woman."

"No, you assumed he was a woman."

"Let's not play games, Gabriel. You know very well we thought she was a woman, and that you were in a serious relationship with him. You never referred to Juniper as him." 

I didn't know what to say, except for a quiet "sorry." I never prepared myself for this conversation. "Okay, Dad. You want the truth? I've never had a girlfriend. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I'd never marry a woman. Maybe if I'd told you, then maybe you could have continued to lie to me and then I would never have known about Ma, and I would never have gotten tested and I wouldn't be here right now."

"Lying is never acceptable, Gabriel. I regret lying to you. Like I've said already, you shouldn't have lied to us."

"Oh, come on, Dad. Do you think I could ever tell you or Ma I'm gay? She couldn't wait to be a grandmother. For my entire life I've heard you give sermons, calling sex between men unnatural and abhorrent when all along I'd been doing it for years."

He didn't think I noticed, but I did. He shivered slightly, grimacing as I alluded to having sex with me.

"I haven't stated such things in years. Yes, the Torah prohibits sexual relationships between individuals of the same gender, but times have changed.  You might have heard one or two phrases and it stuck with you. While I can't condone such things as same-sex marriage, it doesn't mean I dislike gay people."

As my tears subsided, I wiped my cheeks with the back of my arm. "I want to spend the rest of my life with him. If I hadn't fucked up, I would have proposed, and he would have said yes. Instead, he gave me the ring back. And why am I telling you all this? It goes against everything you believe."