Research: Romance

home

"I was so caught up with what I thought love was supposed to look like, that I didn't see how subtly it unfolded in front of me." My eyes drop to my fingers as they twist together. "I missed it. I hurt—failed— the one person who was prepared to give the relationship everything, and I've never forgave myself for that."

Robin sits across from me on the couch. It's almost 2:30 in the morning and I have recounted everything that happened with Levi from the very beginning. My mistakes, my lies, the breakup, how it blocked me for years following and made it difficult for me to tap into writing romance. How it led to the panic attacks that led me to him.

"That day in the hall, Levi told me he was married...and I felt so relieved. To know that he was happy with someone new, and didn't resent me like he did before... was everything I hoped for." I paused and Robin nodded, watching me with his full attention.

I breathed deeply and ran my hands over my face, "I thought the worst that could happen, if I ever ran into him again, was that he would hate me or even ignore me. I deserved that much. Expected it! But then he said something, and I realized..."

I drifted off unable to manage the feeling that came with the words Levi said to me.

She... wasn't my first choice.

My throat tightens, and I close my eyes, pressing my hands over my eyes. Forgetting Robin was in the room for a second, the words come from my mouth before I can stop them, "How am I supposed to take that?"

"He hadn't moved on?" Robin guesses.

I shake my head, "I don't know. I don't think he even knew. But he regretted saying it, and it became so painful and confusing for both of us at that moment. I just... lost it. Then I bumped into you, and I had all these fears that I was repeating the same cycle and it spiraled."

"You thought you would do the same thing to me?" Robin furrows his eyebrows, "That's why you went all: 'We're business partners, Robin. Nothing more?'"

"What if all this was just an excuse to indulge in another harmful fantasy? Then I'd be tricking you, and myself, into a false relationship. And after everything that happened between us..."

Catching the double meaning I had begun to ascribe to that expression, I make sure to rephrase, "After earning your trust and becoming friends...I felt like I had endangered our project by letting my actions cross professional boundaries. Pulling away from you seemed like the best answer until I could figure out what to do. I'm sorry."

Robin nods slowly, taking it in. He observes me for a moment and the look in his eyes tells me he knows there's more under the surface. Though, it doesn't seem he knows what it is. Silence pulls on us as he drags his hands through his hair, breaking eye contact to stare at the wall.

I had a choice to accept his past or quit, now It was his turn to choose. While he does this, I take my time appreciating more details about him. Today he wore a faded black tee-shirt and blue jeans, not the usual hoodie combo, which made me wonder if he left his house in the cold. There was a heaviness in his eyes, like if he held still for too long, he might fall asleep, and his fingers kept picking at the strings of the blanket next to him. His chest rises high and falls deeply with breath while he thinks. I note on the last exhale that, unbeknownst to him, he allows himself to sink deeper into the couch... and inch closer to me.

Just when I think he isn't going to stay, Robin shifts gears, and I realize I should've known better. He still has more questions. I shake my head knowingly, watching his eyes narrow slightly while he orders his thoughts.

Robin always had a knack for asking me questions. Especially the difficult kind.

Clearing his throat, Robin draws another big breath and says out to the room, "Where does the motel come in? You said you were confused and that we couldn't be the same way. That I--that we--couldn't touch."