And Yet I Still Smile

Chapter 1 - Coming Up For Air

I can't breathe. Air. I need air. But I can't stop; don't want to stop. Maybe this is how I die. It wouldn't be the worst way to go.

Willing myself to break away, I finally come up for air. "Andrew," I gasp. "Andrew, we have to stop. You're going to give me an Asthma attack."

He chuckles, a warm, sensual laugh filled with promises of never stopping. He moves his lips down my neck, allowing me to breathe. "Better?" he murmurs in between kisses.

His breath on my neck sends shivers down my spine and a tingle in my lower belly that I'm still not used to. I cross my legs to stifle the ache that's forming between them and gently push him back to his side of the car. "We've had our fun. We're supposed to be in the library studying for finals. Come on, I only have..." I pause to look at the small digital clock up front, "two hours before Gabby picks me up. And she can't know we were making out in the back of your car. She'll tell my parents."

Andrew straightens himself. "You really think we could keep going for another two hours? I bet we could," he smirks.

"Could and should are two very different things. I need to study, and you are supposed to be helping me."

"OK, you're right. I don't know how much help I'll be, though. I couldn't even survive a full year at college." Andrew frowns.

I have no idea what to say to that. We haven't talked about his decision to not go back to college next semester yet. It's a subject I've been avoiding because I know it was a hard choice for him and something I need to support him in, even if I can't relate.

"Have you told your Mom yet?"

Sighing deeply, Andrew leans back in the backseat of his Honda Accord, rubbing his hands over his face. "Not yet. I'm waiting to hear back from that interview I had. I think the news that I'm dropping out will go over better if I can also tell her I have a job lined up."

I can hear the strain in his voice. It sends a different kind of ache through my body. "Andrew..."

"Go ahead and ask it, Soph. I know you want to. I've wanted to tell you for a while. You can't be afraid to ask me hard things," he turns in my direction and takes my hand in his. "If we're in this long term, and I hope we are, we have to talk about the hard stuff too."

"OK," I nod. "Why are you dropping out?"

He shifts his legs to move his hand, the one not holding mine, under himself. His hands are shaking more than they usually do. I've noticed the shaking worsens when he's feeling a strong emotion.

"College isn't for me. I wasn't prepared. I never planned to amount to anything after high school. My plan was to kill my father and spend my life in prison or dead. The public schools put me in remedial classes because of 'behavior issues' and 'learning difficulties.' I'm not stupid, Soph. My head is clear now, but back then, before, I could never concentrate. I couldn't learn. My head was too full of voices and rage to focus on school. I tried the college thing, but I'm light-years away from where I should be, and I'll spend half my young adult life trying to catch up when I could be working. I don't want to live with Mom and Gary forever. I want to work, to save, and to get out. That house holds too many nightmares." He shudders at his last statement.

My heart hurts for him. I can't imagine living in a house that once literally haunted me. The fear that they might one day come back must be terrifying. I want to kiss the pain away, so I do. Gently, I lean over, taking his shaking hand out from underneath him, and hold both his hands tightly in my own.

"I'm proud of you for how far you've come. Not everyone is made for college and that's OK. I think it's great you want to work," I say before kissing him softly.