28 | caveat

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BRIE

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BRIE


          I don't know why those words come out of my mouth the way that they do or when they do, but I can't take them back now.

          Dante and Flint look at me with wide eyes, mouths agape, like I've just confessed to the most heinous of crimes—which, sometimes, it's what this feels like, with how secretive about the truth Rhett and I have decided to be about it.

          Though I understand why we do it and what we have to protect and what is at stake, things have changed significantly from the moment when we first agreed to jump into this fake relationship.

          My feelings might not have changed, not necessarily, and I suspect they've always been there, buried deep within my heart, hidden under all the hurt he has put me through. It has been one hell of a journey learning how to stop blaming myself for the way things originally ended and, now that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I've always owed myself some grace and that we were young and stupid at the time, those feelings have resurfaced—with a vengeance, too.

          I told him once, and I'd tell him now if he was standing in front of me. Knowingly or not, I've been searching for him everywhere, in every relationship I've been in since then, and maybe I've unconsciously sabotaged all of them because they simply weren't with him. No one will ever match Rhett Price, and he has said it so himself—he doesn't lose.

          He hasn't lost me, either, and we both know it.

          The difference is that now I'm allowing myself to be won, to be wanted, to be valued by someone who genuinely wants to take care of this silly little heart of mine—all of its layers and complexities, even on days when I don't feel like I deserve it.

          However, there's all that doubt Cole has ever so lovingly decided to plant and water in my brain, knowing exactly the effect it would have on me, and I'm struggling to weed it out. I don't know what exactly we're protecting with this secrecy now. I don't know the secret buried underneath or whether I'm headed off towards dangerous territory, which makes my anxiety grow by the day. 

          I can't help but feel like there's something ironically cruel about finally finding the right person, the one that truly understands and knows you, the one who sees through your bravado, the one who stays after your darkest nights and basks in your sunlight, and then have it all be just for show.

          It's all for a senior project for college or for a professional ice hockey career that requires a pristine reputation of being able to commit to something to ensure you won't do something risky and stupid and proceed to get dropped by sponsors. Your feelings are real, but the context in which you're experiencing them isn't, and you have all that love trapped inside of you with no one to share it with.

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