summer rain || jegulus + jily ✔️

8 ~ the truth but never goodbye

a/n: chapter title is from the song "Daylight" by Taylor Swift! Underrated on Lover in my opinion.

Chapter 8

Her green eyes bored into his, impassive and calculating and utterly unreachable. She said, "I'll think about it." Then she got up, touched James' arm briefly, and walked away. He was reminded of her old red cardigan with star stitching, the one she would always wear when they went on dates. The one he'd seen at some thrift shop and bought for her. She'd made it a tradition to wear that cardigan, washing it strategically according to schedule so it'd be free when she got to see James. Now, without that fleeting warmth from the hugs she gave in that cardigan, he was so cold. So cold.

Just when he was ready to skateboard the whole way back to Hogwarts and lie down on his dormitory bed and stare at the wall for a few hundred hours, he realized Lily was still standing there, watching him. He quite literally almost had a heart attack.

"By the way, I'm dragging Regulus over here so you two can talk properly—no, don't protest. He deserves an explanation, and you should sort out whatever you have between you before he hexes you into next year, and trust me, he will do it." She queen-waved at him, and all he could think was, you are a force, Lily Evans.

A few minutes later after James had bitten down each of his nails equally in agitation (something Regulus did daily), Regulus himself appeared at the entrance to the garden. His frazzled curls hung in his eyes as he played with the ring on his finger, the one James remembered so clearly. What was it with his lovers and having rings?

His t-shirt was gray with words James couldn't read in small print, and his jeans had small artful rips near the knees, almost like he'd implemented them himself. It reminded James strongly of Sirius. He looked at the garden for a few moments, lips turned up at the edges. Then he turned and it was like the biggest rollercoaster drop of eternity because he was staring with such intensity in his eyes, like he was trying to figure out ways to smite him telepathically. James held his hands up in surrender. Then he gestured to the spot next to him on the grass, but Regulus shook his head.

Regulus spoke first. "Now, I don't know what the shit Evans was thinking dragging me over here like a captive, but she said something about explanation. All I know is I don't want to be associated with you anymore, and I'd prefer if you didn't try to interact with me." Cutthroat, straight to the point. He was still attractive.

James took the time to study Regulus more intently. Bags hung from his eyes, the echoes of sleepless nights. James couldn't guess how much alcohol he'd drunk.

"Whatever you're going to say, if you're going to say anything at all, I fucking know. Do you think I haven't lain awake at night thinking over everything that's happened, analyzing it, throwing it to the back of my mind only for it to appear out of nowhere and stab me again? That's what I do. I think. I think too much. So if there's anything you're going to say, trust me, I've already run it through my brain multiple times. I don't see the point of this conversation."

"You've done that, but it's been all one-sided. We haven't even had a chance to have a real conversation. Wouldn't it be better to...I don't know...communicate? I seriously wasn't thinking. I wish I could say I was drunk the whole time to lessen the impact, or on drugs, or out of my mind or in a coma or something, but I made a stupid mistake by myself," he implored.

Regulus scoffed. "Do you even know me at all?" When James tried to interrupt, he held out a silencing hand. "Stop. Okay. Stop. I've had alcohol, and when I have alcohol, I don't trust people to manage me and I also don't trust myself to handle difficult situations. All I'm saying is that sure, you're sorry, but you can't change the scars you've created.

"You can't change the fact that I was only your Regulus. I'm not sure if I can even call myself yours. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth. You wanted your Lily, and I couldn't be that for you. That's all there is to it. I was a summer fling. I don't know what you talked to Lily about. I don't know if she forgave you or agreed to be your friend, and frankly, I don't care. I'm not going to do any of those things. I'm going to ask you to please leave me alone. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you or be your friend. Maybe that makes me an asshole, okay? I get it. But it's all I ask."

James tried to refute this, but there were no loopholes. It was good, in a way. James wasn't used to people saying no to him or not liking him even after he'd presented his charisma. Here Regulus was, multitasking, doing those things because nobody else would. James' mouth flopped open and shut like a fish. Eventually, he nodded. Regulus walked away again.

He put both of his hands on the grass as if to ground himself. He kind of wanted to cry, kind of wanted to laugh in relief, and kind of wanted to go and down an entire bottle of alcohol and drink away his grievances. He wanted to feel like himself again. In the end, he grabbed his skateboard which he'd hung up against a hedge in the garden.

He didn't get on it right away. He paced around Lily's garden, admiring the flowers and glimmering moths, when something cold touched his skin. A raindrop. Then a hundred more, pitter-pattering on his bare arms. They shattered something inside of him. A shield, maybe. He remembered Sirius showing up on his doorstep in the middle of summer, soaking wet and tearstained, begging for solace, begging for mercy. James had held him while he sobbed about his parents. About the Cruciatus Curse. James recalled all of this in unflinching detail. Then he wished he could enjoy the summer rain like a normal person.

Indeed, all of the other people around him were relishing the weather's sudden mood swing. The rain escalated into a downpour, but Lily never ushered them inside. They stood out there jumping around and pouring alcohol as the rain spilled over them. Regulus and Lily were in the midst of it, hands interlocked as they danced and hollered, exhilarated. Both of them looked so different from the people they'd been with James, serious and closed-off. But they were happy, and that's all he could hope for.

Regulus' hand still in her own, Lily leaned over and kissed a blonde girl James knew vaguely as Pandora. One of the people in Regulus' inner circle. Regulus was grinning from ear to ear, hugging and teasing both of them.

Putting his feet on his skateboard, James wondered if he would remember that moment forever.