Ghost Kisses

Chapter Three || A Cluttered Mind

After school ended, I felt drained and my mind was screaming at me to curl up into a ball and sleep. But, even though I so badly wanted to listen, going home in my zombie-like state would lead me back to forced bed rest at the hands of my mother.

I said a quick goodbye to my friends and told Carter I would text him later before walking out the school gates. A few kilometers down the road from my school sits a small playground which would be a peaceful area to try and study as it is usually empty this time of day. The fresh air usually clears my cluttered mind and I was hoping it would work its magic.

As I walked down the foot path, the sun soaked into the back of my neck, warming up my body. This put a small skip in my step as and a smile graced my face. Today was hard, really hard. I could barely concentrate, I couldn't stop thinking about the crash and whilst I was happy the coddling had stopped, my teachers showed no empathy. Instead, they were all annoyed that my classwork from the previous week was incomplete.

I hated the feeling of disappointment that overwhelmed me as each of my teachers asked for my answers to questions that I didn't understand. Catching up was the only solution so that was exactly what I was going to do.

As the park came into sight, there wasn't a single person there so I threw my jacket on the grass to sit on in the sunniest spot. The most work which I needed to do was for maths so I pulled out my textbook to start teaching myself the content.

I don't know if it was the sun, the fresh air or a combination of both but once I started working, all the questions started to make sense which motivated me to keep going. I kept flicking through the pages and answering question after question until my trance was broken by the roaring sound of a plane above me.

"This is the captain speaking. Please kindly return to your seats as the seatbelt sign is now on," the captain said as the plane began to shake.

Most people were sleeping so I ignored the turbulence but the unsteady movements always made my stomach churn. As I laid my head back against the seat, the plane tilted to the left so my side was almost parallel to the ground 40 000 feet below. The luggage in the overhead lockers moved around nosily and my seatbelt pulled painfully at my shoulder. Slowly, people started to wake up due to the planes now erratic movements.

Suddenly the oxygen masks fell from above the seats and the noise grew immensely. I put it on the way the cabin crew had showed us during the demonstration but my breathing was coming out short. The plane began to lower and each time it felt as though my body was a step behind the movement of the plane.

The descent was slow at first but it sped up to the point where my ears began popping. There was so much noise. Between people screaming and crying and the noise of the wind whipping past the plane; my screams were swallowed by the screams of many.

I gasped as two strong hands suddenly grasped my shoulders, shaking my body slightly. I heard my name being called, as if from a distance and I opened my eyes. At first, when my eyes opened there was only darkness but this was slowly replaced with light. Once my vision cleared, the person behind me moved into my line of sight and I realised it was Sebastian.

"Are you okay?" Sebastian asked with concern lacing his voice.

I opened my mouth to answer but only short breaths escaped my mouth. I looked down at my hands which my body had unconsciously clenched into fists and straightened out my fingers, only to see deep indentations in the palm of my hand from where my nails had nearly broken the skin.

"Shh you're okay" Sebastian assured me as he moved beside me to rub my back.

All I wanted to do was cry but I wouldn't allow my body to betray me. The last thing I needed was for Sebastian to tell everyone at school that he saw me crying in the park. Slowly my breaths began to lengthen and my vision became clear again.

"I'm okay now, thanks" I finally replied as I straightened my back and gave him a small smile.

"Wait, how did you know I was here?" I questioned, the thought of him following me suddenly playing on my mind.

"I was just going down to the takeaway shop when I saw you. I came to say hello" he said with a smile.

"Oh, well thanks for coming. You really snapped me out of that" I said drawing out the last word. I hoped he wouldn't ask any more questions and to my luck he silently nodded.

"So Sebastian, which school did you move from?"

"It's a small school out of town, you wouldn't know it. Are you hungry? I'm going to grab some chips if you want to come with me."

"Sure" I replied. I guess he doesn't want to talk about his life and I'm happy to stay away from those conversations at the moment.

Sebastian helped me collect my books before we walked down the path to the shop. We didn't talk but it was nice to be left to my own thoughts without feeling alone.

We grabbed a large bag of hot chips and sat on the park bench eating them for a while, sitting in our own thoughts. I enjoyed Sebastian's company because he understood when it was time for chatting and when it was better to sit in comfortable stillness. It was as if he could what I needed emotionally with was very much appreciated.

"Sebastian" I asked breaking the silence.

"Hmmm."

"My friends and I are going to get milkshakes from Main Street after school tomorrow. If you want to come I can introduce you to them. They all go to our high school as well so you can make some friends."

"Yeah that sounds nice" he responded with a smile.

We sat on the park bench eating our chips and after a while, the sky told us it was time to go home.

When I arrived home, my family was eating dinner. I was still full from my afternoon snack so I just sat on the lounge with them watching television. Carter texted me to ask how my first day back at school was, making my heart beat slightly faster. I decided to leave out this afternoons incident and let him know that it was as to be expected.

The dramatic sound of the news broadcast boomed through the room, followed by the deep voice of the middle-aged news reader.

"We are in Oakville tonight as preparations are being made for the 197 passengers whose lives were cut short as the result the Boeing-173 crash a week ago. The plane took off shortly after 9am and crashed only minutes after take-off. The black box has yet to be found. A state funeral is being held tomorrow at Oakville Centenary to mourn the loss of the 197 Australians who lost their lives."

The room was silent and I refused to look at my parents. My mother sniffled beside me, probably thinking that her only child was nearly part of that number. I should have been.

Tears prickled behind my eyes so I stood up and abruptly went to my room. I opened the door and dove onto my bed where my body was engulfed by my duvet.

I grabbed my pillow and screams escaped my mouth, the piercing sound muffled only by the thick padding. Why me? Why did I survive? What was the point of surviving only to be tormented by the memories in my sleep and now also whilst I'm awake? So much fear. So much blood. The relentless screams still echo in my ears.

I heard footsteps race up the stairs only to hear them stop outside my door.

"Mauve, are you okay?" My mum asked quietly.

"I'm fine just go away" I yelled, still with my face in the pillow.

For the next few minutes there was silence, except for the sound of my racing heart until I finally heard her retreating footsteps.

I knew my attendance at the funeral tomorrow morning was necessary to show my respect, but the last thing I wanted right now was to hear all the reasons why my life was a miracle when it felt anything but.