Dark Blue

Part vi- Something Cosmic

6

I’m lying on my side away from Oscar as I bury my head in my hands, tears slowly dripping down onto the grass. I stay that way for a couple of minutes as I let what I had just said sink in. I turn round to face the glittering sky.

“Oh My God. Oh My God, I can’t believe I just said all that. I just… I’ve never said or admitted any of that before. To anyone!” I mutter deliriously, breathing heavily.

“It’s good that you have.”

I somehow jump even though I’m lying on the ground. I look to my right and see Oscar there. I’d nearly forgotten that he’d been there the whole time. He continues.

“I find talking about things oddly satisfying.”

I sniff. “Well yes, I suppose it’s good.”

“Yes it is, it’s unhealthy to keep it all hidden,” he says, nodding encouragingly.

“But it feels wrong as well,” I say feeling frightened. “As though I shouldn’t say wrong about her, because she’s my friend.”

He grabs my shoulders suddenly, bringing me closer towards him, so I’m stuck to his side.

“Delilah, she’s not your friend. In fact she’s close enough to a bully from what I hear. Friends don’t do that to friends.”

I stay silent while he sighs.

“You need to clear your mind up a bit and actually see it. She’s cold, cruel, and mean; how you can even call her your friend I have no idea.” I imagine him rolling his eyes and I involuntarily elbow him. He yelps.

I say angrily, “She’s still a friend.”

“And you’re defending her. Why?” Oscar says immediately in earnest.

“Because.. because…. " I try to say.

And I stop. Why did I defend her? After all, she hadn’t been all that great to me. Then it completely dawned on me, the real reason that I’d kept hidden. It was completely turfed up now to the surface. Oscar then gently nudges me with his elbow.

“Because if I don’t call her my friend, I feel unsafe. Yeah, unsafe, because then I really don’t have anyone. That’s why I’m defending her, because I’m afraid of losing her,” I say quietly, turning my head away from him. He turns my head back round gently so I’m looking at his face.

“Don’t be afraid. She’s worth losing. A friend is someone who looks out for one another, respects and listens. She neither of those things and you are so much better, because that’s what you do,” he says gently, his voice dropping so low and quiet, I have to lean even further to hear him. I run my tongue over my top teeth.

In an even quieter voice, barely audible over the silent breeze over the grass, I say shaking my head a bit, “Then what do I do? What do I say to her? I mean, I don’t know how she’ll react. What if it gets around the whole school and I’ll be shunned forever...”

He puts a finger on my lips and I freeze at his sudden touch,

“You’re over thinking this entirely. Just,” he fishes around but then he clicks his fingers together in triumph, “seize the day, don’t think about the future or the past, and just think about now. As to what to say, say what is at the bottom of your heart. How do you feel about everything she’s ever done to you? Say them out loud, every last word you want to say. It’s been kept hidden for so long, and you know it’s there.”

He smiles easily at me, his eyes bright and wide. I quickly scramble away from him and I stand up defiantly and look up at the sky. I look into the bottom of my heart and I let it all out.