Chasing Casey

Chapter Twenty Five

Warning: This chapter contains suicidal thoughts and intentions.

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Recap:

My head was spinning. I felt faint as I stared down at my phone, waiting for the final text, that was going to break me.

Casey: Now it's my turn.

I swallowed uneasily, my throat becoming unusually dry.

Casey: It's my turn to NEVER forgive you.

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I couldn't breathe.

I felt sick to my stomach as my eyes drink in the words Casey sent to me, over and over.

He knew. Of course he did. He knows everything.

My hands trembled as my phone slipped from my fingers. My hands shook as I turned the key, Casey's car rumbling to life underneath me. With blurry vision, I navigated my way through town and found myself heading to a place I told myself never to return to.

As I drove into my old town, I felt my body grow stiff. Tears stained my cheeks, my mouth was dry.

I hated being back here. The memories of Casey and I burned my mind. Everywhere I looked was a reminder of him. It made me feel light headed.

As I drove down the main street of the all-too-familiar town I used to call home, I sucked in a sharp breath of air as I recognised face after face. I couldn't be back here. Not with all of them staring, whispering...

Swallowing down the bile that was rising in my throat, I drove through town as quick as I could. Following the road that appeared to be bumpier than it had been before, I pulled to a stop just before the place.

I tumbled out of the car, the door slamming piercing my ears. The wind slapped my unruly hair around my face as I hugged my jacket closer to me. My legs felt stiff as I walked towards the bridge, where Casey took his own life.

My stomach clenched uncomfortably as I walked across the bridge. I stood there, unblinking, running my hand over the railing that now has paint peeling from it. I picked at it absently, the paint jabbing me underneath my nail.

Vague, blurry memories began to swarm my mind as I ran up here, tears falling down my face, sobs wracking my body. I remember feeling like I had to see the bridge. I had to see where it happened. It had to feel more real when I knew the place.

The memory is vague. I remember trying to jump over the railing. I remember arms wrapping around me, pulling me back over.

With a deep sigh, I lean forward, my cold fingers wrapping around the railing as I peer over the side and stare down at the water lapping underneath me.

I could do it. I could do the very same thing Casey did. No one knows where I am. No one would even be looking for me.

I'm fighting with mum. I'm fighting with Marissa. I'm fighting with Casey.

Just saying Isaac's name in my mind has me feeling overwhelmed with guilt and nauseating anxiety.

My life is a pathetic, muddle of mess that needs to stop. I just need it all to stop.

My foot lifted, slightly, off the ground as I tried to gather my thoughts.

Just do it, a voice whispered. Let it all end.

Gulping, my foot lifted higher off the ground as I began to swing my leg over the railing.

"Sadie?"

My leg froze. Blinking, I turned to see Alex, one of Casey's best friends, standing there, looking like he had just saw a ghost.

He looked much the same to the last time I saw him. His thick, blond hair was windblown. He had a thick, black jacket on and running shoes. He was always a fitness fanatic. Him and Casey would often be seen together at the gym or do laps around the block. Casey begged me to take up running with him but I never did.

"What..." he trailed off, staring at my white-knuckled hands and my leg half cocked over the railing. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I..." I stammered, placing my leg back down. My mind was a racing mess. I couldn't form a coherent sentence.

"No," he said, his voice low. "You were not just about to do what I think you were."

"It hurts," I sobbed, my voice hoarse and raspy.

"Don't do this," he pleaded, his eyes darting around in panic. "Don't do what he did."

"After all this time," I heaved, feeling breathless. My head was spinning so much that I felt dizzy. "It still hurts so God damn much."

"I come here every day," he bit out, his jaw tense. "I come here every day and ask myself, why the hell did he do it?"

I nodded, my eyes welling with tears.

"Don't do the same to the people who love you," he told me with a grim smile. "It's hard to think of others when you're feeling like this but you have to."

I sank to my knees, my chest aching. I clutched my chest, trying to stop the pain.

My vision began to blur. I faintly remember seeing Alex rush over to the road, trying to flag down a car. I think he yelled something about needing an ambulance.

Blacks dots began to dance across my vision and the next thing I felt, was my head smacking against the cold, concrete pavements beneath me.

***

I wish I had done it.

I wish I had been brave enough to jump.

The dark thoughts had entered my mind and didn't appear to be going anywhere, anytime soon. I laid back in the uncomfortable hospital bed in the town I despised more than anything.

I had been here many times before. After Casey's suicide, I was a regular patient. In and out for attempted suicide, intoxication... It was a dark time in my life. Being here, only reminded me of what I used to be.

Maybe not 'used to be', anymore.

My tongue snaked out, dragging across my bottom lip. The skin there was dry and cracked from dehydration. When I had used the bathroom before, the reflection that mirrored back to me made me feel sick. My skin was an eerie, washed out, pale colour. The bags under my eyes were dark. My eyes were ringed red.

Any chance I could, I was pumping pain killers and sleep medication. Time was lost for me. I could have been here mere hours, it could have been days. I don't know. All I do know, is they've restricted visitation rights to only a psychiatrist. Every time she comes in, I press the button and am out of it, by the time she has her clipboard out.

I know they're going to take me off the drugs soon. I know I can't avoid the confrontation much longer. But I will try, every chance I can get.

"How are you feeling, sweetheart?" a woman with rosy cheeks and auburn coloured hair asked as she poked her head through the doorframe of my room. "Feeling okay?"

My eyes felt heavy in my head. I attempted to give her a dry smile, but my mouth didn't respond to my mind's instructions. The woman entered, edging closer to me.

"Would you like anything? Food, water?"

Slowly, I shook my head.

"Honey," she said softly, looking at me with round, sympathetic eyes. "You haven't eaten since you've been here. I really don't want to have to tube feed you."

"Later," I croaked out.

Frowning, she nodded and got to her feet.

I moved my head back against the pillow and let my eyes close. I felt the familiar darkness tug at me and I welcomed it, with open arms.

When I was asleep, I couldn't feel the pain.

Right now, I needed to feel no pain.

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Thoughts?