Stuck on You

Chapter 29: It Doesn't Work That Way

The next morning, I woke to soft kisses. I opened my eyes and saw Hayden. I smiled lightly before I remembered yesterday. I sat up and started untangling my hair with my fingers.

“Good morning,” Hayden said softly. I sighed and ran a hand down my face. The fact was: Hayden still hurt me. “What’s wrong, Jo?” he asked, putting a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off before I stood up and went to my drawers. I grabbed a suitcase and started packing it. I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

“Hayden, I’m sorry but I won’t let you hurt me again,” I said, not looking at him. It was quiet before I felt a hand on my arm. I didn’t move.

“Jordyn, please,” he begged. I turned and searched his mesmerizing blue eyes.

“No, Hayden. You’ve already done this to me twice. I won’t let it happen a third time,” I explained. He leaned his head down to kiss me but I turned my head at the last second. “I’m serious Hayden,” I whispered. He paused before he closed his eyes and sighed.

“Everyone I have ever cared about has left me, either by choice or unfortunate circumstances. Last night, I was remembering that. I guess that’s why I did what I did. I tried not to care for you anymore. Then maybe, you wouldn’t leave me too,” he tried to explain. I scrunched my eyebrows at him and shook my head.

“Hayden, you pushed me away. I was here for you and you didn’t want to see that. What you did made me not trust you anymore. I don’t even know if that was the first time you’ve done it. I don’t even know what to say anymore. It wasn’t anyone else’s choice to leave you… but it will be mine. I love you Hayden, so much that it hurts and I don’t think that will ever change. But I have to think about myself too. You’re poison and I don’t have to kill myself drinking it anymore. I have never cared for anyone except T-Thomas and now you, but you’re killing me,” I said softly. He shook his head as a tear tickled down his cheek. I wiped it away gently and hesitated before I gave him a light, tender kiss.

“Jordyn, please don’t do this,” he begged in a whisper as he put his forehead against mine.

“I think we need a break Hayden… I’ll see you at rehearsals,” I finished packing my bag and headed for the door. I’d already called a cab and it was waiting for me downstairs. Hayden grabbed my wrist and I turned to him.

“I need you, Jo… I love you,” he said in a final attempt. I sighed and released my wrist before I was out the door. Leaving him was killing me, but it had to happen. We needed space for me to figure things out. I checked into a hotel and set myself up with room service and a movie. The bed felt empty and cold. I wanted to be with Hayden, but that just couldn’t happen right now.

The next day at rehearsal, we started on a hip hop. It was a good thing too because I don’t know what I would do if I had to dance intimately with Hayden again. I was ready to cave just being near him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him that I still loved him. After rehearsal, everyone was trying to comfort Hayden. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Hayden could get all of the comforting he needed but it wouldn’t be from me. I started leaving. Once outside, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It sent a chill down my spine.

“Jordyn,” Hayden said softly. I stopped before I turned back to him. I sighed and pushed the strap of my bag up on my shoulder.

“Please don’t say anything, Hayden. If you say anything, I’m going to come running back to you and I don’t think I can handle you hurting me again,” I stopped him.

“Jo, I don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly.

“Then stay away from me,” I said softly.

“I can’t do that,” he shook his head. His hand went to my cheek and I looked down. “I love you too much,” he said honestly.

“You love me, so you hurt me? That’s not fair, Hayden,” I said, looking back to him.

“I don’t want to hurt you, it’s just… loving you scares the crap out of me. Every time I love someone, they die. I don’t want you to be next,” he tried to explain. I understood, but that still didn’t give him the right to hurt me.

“That’s just not good enough this time. You can’t push me away to keep from losing me, it doesn’t work that way,” I said. He shook his head before he leaned his head closer to mine. I pulled away and closed my eyes briefly.

“Please, Hayden. Don’t do this to me right now,” I whispered. He didn’t listen. He kissed me anyway. I couldn’t bring myself to pull away. I was frozen where I was. Hayden put an arm around me and pulled me closer. I couldn’t help it, I kissed him back. I shouldn’t have. I pulled away and put the back of my wrist to my lips. I looked down and closed my eyes.

“Jo, I love you… I think I always will,” he tried again. I shook my hand and dropped my wrist.

“I love you too, Hayden. Way more than I think you actually love me. This can’t be one-sided, not if it’s going to work. You can’t just go out and find someone else when you’re scared. We’ll only get to this point so many times before I’ll just be done, no matter how much I love you,” I explained.

“What I did was stupid; I know that. And I regret it, I really do,” he said softly. I nodded once.

“You’re going to have to earn my trusts back this time. I won’t come back to you unless I know you won’t hurt me again,” I explained.

“I’ll do whatever you want, just please… come back home,” he begged. I shook my head.

“Not yet,” I said softly. I squeezed his hand gently before I walked over to my rental car. Driving back to my hotel, I found myself shedding a few tears. He was begging me to come back, and I couldn’t do that. I’d been hurt too many times. I couldn’t help that nagging feeling in the back of my head telling me to turn around. No, he had to earn it this time.