Saudade | ✓

runaway

I breathe in a sharp intake of air, trying to reel in the panic climbing up to my throat. As usual, Dean moved at a fast pace when it came to me. And I just couldn't go there. I really could not. I spent years trying not to. Every lick of self-preservation I had told me one thing: It was high time to do damage control.

How did I not see this coming anyway? I should have known better. I charged in here without much thought, with my defenses all over the place. I thought I had prepared myself for this, but it turns out I had not.

After all, Dean was an expert at it --- at looking for tiny crevices he can pass in to get to me. He was so stubborn and clever, he'd crept back into my life without a moment's notice. And he had done it in such a way that I wasn't able to put an early stop to it. Because that's the effect he has on me. 

But that will no longer be the case, I vowed to myself. I owed it to the free spirited girl I once was, whose heart he broke.. who was the main reason for the ice that had encased my heart. I owed it to her...

"What's got you into beat feet, my Little Wolf?"

The deep, husky voice on the other line felt so comforting I closed my eyes and sighed. This, this was something familiar.

"Andrew, I need you," I breathed, my voice barely a whisper.

"I'm booking the next flight available," he replied, not even asking me what's wrong, because that's just the kind of man he was.

I barely got sleep that night. I tossed and turned. As we bid them goodbye, Olivia shot me one knowing, pleading look. It only made the shaking in my hand worse.

I had been quiet the entire drive home, and Dean had noticed. He glanced at me perpetually and I could tell he was bothered, but he knew better than to push. He made conversation, and I answered with dismal responses. I could tell he was hurt, but i'm much too wrapped up in my own confusion to soothe him.

It was not my responsibility to soothe him either. After all, he had hurt me without thinking of anyone else but himself. So why should I bother protecting his feelings? That thought alone has propelled my next steps. I pretended to sleep so I didn't have to talk to him.

Hours later, we finally arrived at my apartment. I let out a sigh of relief as we pulled over. Mumbling a quick thanks, I got out of the door before he could open it for me. Dean quickly jumped out of the driver's seat, intercepting me at the steps to my apartment.

He cornered me then. He lifted a hand to my chin, and made me face him. But I had looked away. He sighed. "I'm sorry if I pressured you last night."

"That's just the kind of man you are right, Dean?"

Guilt churned in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I keep screwing this up, don't I?"

The pain in his voice nearly had me undone, but I steeled myself. That, Annie. Is exactly why he had made it this far, because you let him. Your empathy for him has made you weak and gullible. I shut my eyes.  "I have to go. Let me pass."

"Baby.."

I shoot him a withering look. "Let. Me. Pass."

He drops his hand, a dejected expression on his face. Finally, he nodded. "I'll call you tonight, okay? Or tomorrow if you don't want to talk to me yet. I'll give you space. But please, Annie, don't shut me out again."

"I never made you any promises, did I?"

His shoulders slump. "No, you didn't. But -"

"Exactly," I say, in a clipped voice. "You pushed, and assumed and backed me into a corner so that I wouldn't have any choice, all to feed your ego."