hidden | ethma

twenty six

i lean against the building and answer the call. 

"em, i'm so sorry, i can't believe-" 

"aaron, where were you today?" i ask, cutting him off. 

"i don't know, i really have no excuse-" 

"you promised." 

"i know, i'm so sorry-" 

i sigh. 

"are you mad?" 

"i don't know. this has happened three times, aaron, it's making me think that you don't care about me," i admit. 

"how could you think that? of course i care about you, emma." 

i sigh. "look, can we talk later? i'm kind of busy." 

"with what?" 

"uh... work. i had to edit some manuscripts at home this week..." 

"oh. well, i'll talk to you later." 

"all right." 

i end the call and breathe the fresh air. i really could use a smoke right now. 

as if on cue, ethan emerges from inside, his eyes locking with mine. 

"something wrong?" he asks as he approaches. his cigarette is still poised between his fingers. 

"aaron called," i reply. 

"hmm." 

"he was apologizing profusely." 

"did you forgive him?" 

i don't answer. instead, i take the cigarette from ethan's fingers and bring it to my own lips, taking a long drag. the smoke ignites my lungs in the familiar feeling and i relax a bit. 

"and to think all this time i thought you were lying when you said you used to smoke," ethan says, smiling. 

i hand him back the cigarette and he brings it to his lips. we switch off for a while, just leaning against the wall and smoking. i feel more relaxed, and i lean my head back against the wall. 

"you know, ethan," i say. "you win."

be looks at me confusedly. 

"21," i clarify. "you win."

ethan doesn't say anything. "hmm." 

"yeah. now we're even." 

"even?" 

"i owe you so many favors, for taking me home, giving me tea, all that," i say. "and now we're even." 

ethan looks at me. "i say we split it, fifty-fifty." 

i shrug. "fine." 

ethan stamps out the cigarette and turns to look at me. "what are you hiding, emma?" he asks me. 

"what?" 

"i can tell you're hiding something," he says. "it's why you never talk about california." 

"well, you never talk about jersey." 

anguish flashes in ethan's eyes and he looks down.

"everyone's got a secret," he says quietly. "it just depends on how good you are at keeping it hidden." 

i process ethan's words.

It just depends on how good you are at keeping it hidden. 

"what's your secret, emma?" ethan asks, stepping forward. 

"it's a secret for a reason," i say. 

we're only inches apart now, our bodies radiating from heat. ethan's usual smell of spearmint is laced with smoke, almost intoxicating me. he leans toward me, our noses almost brushing. 

"what's your secret?" i ask him, my voice just above a whisper. 

"you," ethan breathes. he leans in further, our lips brushing momentarily before he wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me. 

he slides his tongue between my lips and i feel weak in the knees. his mouth tastes like smoke and mint gum. my arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer as my pulse pounds wildly. his lips feel smooth and soft, like heaven. 

he pulls away slightly and i feel cold at the loss of contact but he moves his lips to my neck, biting gently. i roll my head back onto the wall, sighing as he kisses behind my ear. his breath fans out lightly across my skin. 

my eyes flutter shut as he brings his lips back to my own. my heart pulses loudly in my ears but I don't care. all i care about is kissing ethan. 

and then reality hits me again, knocking me onto my back and filling me with guilt. 

aaron. 

i bring my palms to ethan's chest and push slightly.

"ethan," i say into his mouth. 

he doesn't respond at first, and then i push him harder. 

"ethan," i say louder, more forcefully. he takes a step back, eyes full of confusion. "i can't do this," i say. "aaron..." 

ethan turns his back on me, running a hand through his hair. he doesn't say anything. 

"i'm sorry," i say quietly, blush rising to my cheeks. 

"for what?" he asks. 

"for..." i search for words. 

"come on," he says, his tone cold. "lets go." He starts walking back to his car and i slowly follow.