I slam the door so hard I'm pretty sure it would have cried if it were human. I stand for a second before letting my body slump against the wood, leaning my head on the hard material, my skull gives a throb of protest, but I ignore it as best I can.
Gerard and Frank... friends? No. They can't have been. Gerard bitched about him all the time. Frank insulted Gerard everyday. Never had a kind word been spoken between them. How is it humanely possible that they could have been even remotely close? If someone had suggested this to me a few weeks ago, I'd have told you the day those two boys became friends would be the day I started to behave like a normal human being. But then, a few weeks ago my best friend had been alive. A few weeks ago I had been safe in the knowledge the ghosts only existed in horror movies.
And how could Gerard not have told me? We were... well, are still technically, best friends. Doesn't that mean anything anymore? I thought I knew everything about that boy. But then again, I thought I knew he would never leave me. I thought we'd always be together. I guess I'd been wrong about that too.
It suddenly feels like my best friend is a stranger. Like I never even knew him at all. Secret friends. How could he have a secret friend? And by the sounds of it, they had been pretty fucking close. How could this happen?
"Hadley?" the tentative voice of the one and only comes from behind me, several seconds pass before I can find the energy to straighten and turn to face him. He stands, his hands shoved in his pockets, with a grim set to his features.
"Speak of the fucking devil" I snap at him. Gerard gives a wince, looking wary and even a little scared. We often had fights, but there were times when Gerard knew to avoid me and my temper, this is probably around the time he would have fled and hidden from me until I came back to him and gave the all clear that I wouldn't explode. But sadly, he's a ghost, and apparently can't exist if he's not around me, he's going to have to feel the brunt of my temper, and the realisation of this dawns in his eyes. He gulps.
"How are you doing?" he gestures quickly to my face, it's probably looking quite grotesque at the moment, no doubt half covered in plasters or stitches of some kind, but right now I don't care, I know Gerard is trying to distract me, and I'm not buying a second of it.
"Don't change the subject" I growl at him, glaring "I suppose you heard that entire conversation" I raise my eyebrows at him, daring him to lie to me, he shuffles awkwardly, looking anywhere but my face.
"I might have heard a little..." he trails off.
"Well," I start dangerously, Gerard flinches at my tone "You might have happened to hear the part, when he said you two were fucking buddies!" the last bit is an exclamation, and Gerard steps back away from me quickly.
"I wouldn't say that-" he begins, I cut him off.
"Stop lying!" I yell, Gerard sighs, looking at the floor with a shamed face "How could you? How could you lie to me?" I demand loudly, throwing my hands in the air as I scowl at him "I thought we told each other everything! He was horrible to you all the time!" I start to pace frantically, pushing the heels of my hands into my temples, trying to rid my skull of the pounding in my brain.
"Not all the time!" Gerard says earnestly "Only when other people weren't around, we hung out. Quite a lot" Gerard mumbles.
"You hung out?!" I screech, I slam my fist into the front door, Gerard looks at me in shock, but I continue to pace anyway "He treated you like shit! He was horrible to you every time he saw you! Regardless of whether he was a little fucking cherub behind closed doors, he dumped you for his other friends every time!" I bellow like an angry bull. I standing breathing heavily, trying to get a handle on my control while fighting the urge to hit something again.
"He was nice to me, Hadley!" Gerard exclaims, looking anguished and frustrated.
"When nobody was looking!" I yell at him, pointing accusingly "He made sure you were never caught, even by me! I bet he didn't think you were good enough to be his friend! I bet he was embarrassed by you!" I shake my head angrily "You are worth a thousand of Frank fucking Iero. You deserved so much better than him" the anger drains out of me and I'm left with only exhaustion, the usual result of my anger, "You deserve so much better than me" I whisper flatly.
"Hadley-" Gerard sighs, but I wave my hand at him, cutting him off.
"No, you do. I was a bad friend to you. Clearly, I wasn't good enough to be let in with your secret friend. Clearly, I wasn't a good enough reason for you to stay. And I'm sorry, truly" I shake my head, now angry at myself.
I can feel the urge to hurt myself return in an instant, it washes into my mind and makes my hands ache, it creeps into my brain, a whispered suggestion at first, but growing louder and louder until it's an angry shriek on the inside of my skull.
"Hadley please..." Gerard begs me, moving to stand close to me, but I flinch back, and he pauses, a frustrated frown twisting his brow.
"Leave me be, Gerard." I tell him frantically, stepping back so I'm pressed firmly against the door. "You should go, I'm tired, I want to sleep." I lie quickly. I am tired, but that's not the reason I want him to leave.
"You mean you want to hurt yourself," he snaps angrily, glaring at the floor.
"If you want the truth, take it" I shrug "But you can't stop me" I give him a small twisted smirk "Maybe you should go and see Frank, I bet your best friend is missing you" I tell him, it's below the belt I know, but I can't help it, I just feel so rejected by him, when I feel hurt I lash out.
"I never told you because I knew you'd act like this!" Gerard exclaims angrily, hazel eyes narrowing to slits.
"That's a fucking lie and you know it," I snarl, I admit, I would have been freaked out if Gerard told me he was hanging with Frank, but I would have given Frank a chance, I know I would, because that's the kind of person I was, I tried not to judge people right away, and even if I hadn't liked the idea, Gerard would have persuaded me into it if he'd wanted to. "You didn't want me to know. Maybe because you were tired of me, or maybe because you wanted Frank to yourself. I have no idea what was going through your mind. But do not stand there and try to lie to me" I growl, balling my fists at the side, wishing so desperatley to retreat to my room.
He seems to deflate, he shakes his head so vigorously his hair falls down to flop around his head. He looks up at me then, his eyes pleading desperately.
"I'm sorry" he mutters.
"That's all we seem to be saying to each other lately" I sigh. Then I skirt around him, heading for the staircase.
"Will things ever be the same between us, Had?" Gerard asks me, his voice seems crushed and detached like it used to be, I realise that I'm just taking away his new found happiness, he finally gets rid of the depression that had plagued him while living, and now I'm forcing it onto him in death, what an amazing friend I am.
"Things will be the same between us when you're not dead anymore" I mutter, my back turned as I pause on the bottom step. My voice is emotionless, dead.
"But that's never going to happen" I can hear the frown in his voice even though I refuse to see it.
"Exactly" I whisper. Then I move sluggishly from stair to stair until I'm stood on the landing above, I force myself to glance down into the hallway to find it empty, devoid of Gerard Way.
A few minutes later, my bedroom door locked and secured, the air is alive with the sounds of painful hissing and the soft patter as droplets of crimson splatter the floor.
YOU ARE READING
From the Razor to the Rosary (Completed)
Fanfiction*Previously named We're Not Okay (I Promise)* Hadley had never had a great life. She got bullied, her home life wasn't exactly steady and she didn't have many friends, but all that was okay, because she had her best friend right there with her, Gera...
