𝐈𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐥 𝐀𝐭𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 (Completed)

21. I W A N T T O K N O W W H A T IT'S L I KE

C H A C E'S P . O. V

Every time I dial her number, I end up deleting it. I keep checking my phone to see if I'm important to anyone. I check my phone to see if she's tried to call me, at least a message via Instagram or a voicemail so I can hear her soothing voice knowing she's ok. But how can I think this after I've brutally shut her out? I may have changed my sim, gotten a new number. The details relating to Hurricane, can't go wrong there. I can tell the digits in my sleep. The heaviness in my stomach is indescribable it is making me restless. I have to hear her voice, I have to speak to her. Dialing her number again, my thumbs roll over the two circles on the screen, one in green and the other in red, I slide my thumb over the green. I promptly press the red button before it rings.

The only people who have my new number are Mrs. Mccintyre, Irene, Jaden and Reed. My eyelids shut and I wonder if Hurricane must be having the same heaviness inside her, desperate to know where I am, what I'm up to. Is she also having sleepless nights because of me? Is she eager to know how I'm doing or how far I have progressed? My bed creaks as I push myself up and slip on my Nike hoodie, tying my shoelaces and walking towards Mr. Aggarwal's house. Vihaan's house is a three minute walk from where the rehabilitation center is, the place where I'm currently staying. The first time I left my apartment, I wanted to go back. At that time I cogitated if I made the right decision. I wasn't brave when it came to disclosing my thoughts to strangers. Reed wasn't a stranger, neither was Irene, neither was Jaden or Hurricane. For Hurricane it was something else entirely. I didn't want her to feel sorry for me. I basically didn't want anyone to pity me on the basis of my miserable, fucked up background. I wanted to show the world there is nothing that can define or trod on me, I was wrong.

There might be others who are sailing the same boat as I am. They too might be having their shares of ups and downs, if it makes me feel any better. It doesn't. How you control your inner self is by far the scariest I've had to deal with. I'm a wimp when it comes to battling my demons which are disguised as emotions.

I was expecting Dr. Aggarwal to be a judgmental prick, pretending he understood what I was fighting against. When I first checked myself in, I was shocked to see a man with a very compassionate smile, an aura that oozed composition. Still I wasn't sure if I could trust him. Actions speak louder than words but in my case, it was fifty fifty. Actions as well as words speak the loudest. I shove my hands nervously into my pockets, contemplating if I should apologize when he opens the door. As usual, he greets me warmly after opening the door. His hair looks disgruntled, eyes tired with sleep. I feel like a dick to show up without an appointment. "Come on in," I step inside a dimly lit room, sofas on either side along with a small tea table in the middle. The room is neatly furnished, decorated with authentic Indian artifacts, I am amazed at the beauty of this place. There is a glass cabinet containing various awards and certificates, there's a photo of Vihaan, his wife and a boy who looks just like him, a cheerful smile on his face. The photo looks recent, I think his son must be in middle school.