HIDING - every scar has a story

19. Darkness.

{Jon}

Jon was silent at dinnertime. Family conversation washed around him like a river around a stone. He got up, cleared his dishes, and ran hot, soapy water into the sink, barely hearing the clamour of his sisters at the table behind him. His ears were full of the silence of the school hallway between classes, the hiss of the radiator and the sound of Cary's footsteps hurrying in front of his father.

His stomach was a sick, hard knot. He should never have let Cary fight his fight for him. He should have hit Todd back. At the very least he should have tattled to the principal—the shame of that would have been less than the shame he was feeling now. He'd told his dad too late.

When he was finished the dishes he went to his room without speaking to his family. He shut the door and sat at his desk, opening a schoolbook at random. Math. He sat with his pencil in his hand and couldn't write a single sum. Shutting his eyes, he saw Cary without his jacket. He saw Cary put his arms up as he fell into the car. He saw the car rock and the door slam shut.

Jon's door opened. "Jonee?" Bea hung onto the handle, a picture book stuck under her arm.

"Out Bea," Jon said.

"I wanted you to read my bedtime story to me."

"I have homework. Get out."

She came in, looking around his arm at his desk. "What are you doing?"

He slapped his notebook shut and grabbed her under her arms. Swinging her over his doorway, he dropped her back in the hall. "Get the fuck outta my room!"

He slammed the door on her white face and trembling lip.

That felt good for half a second, and then he had to listen to her crying for the next ten minutes. Hunched with tension, he waited for his dad to come speak to him. No one came.

Jon heard his mother finally settle Bea, and the rise and fall of her voice reading their bedtime story came through the wall between their rooms. When it got quiet, Jon went down the hall to his sisters' room.

He knocked, watching his shadow stretch over the floor as the door swung open. "Bea?"

"She doesn't want to talk to you," Tabby said.

In the silence, Jon heard a little sniffle from Bea's bed.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Why are you so mad at me?" Her voice was still watery with tears.

Jon shut his eyes a second. "I'm not mad at you."

"Who are you mad at then?"

Jon didn't say anything.

Bea turned her face to him. "Will you give me a night-night kiss?"

Jon came into the room, knelt by her bed and kissed her cheek the way he had when she was much smaller. When he was much smaller. She was soft and smelled like lotion. Bea took hold of a handful of hair behind his ears and pulled his forehead against hers. "You scared me Jonee. I was scared."

Jon gently opened her fingers. "I'm sorry Bea. That was very wrong of me to scare you."

"Okay." She nestled into her pillows with her arms around Mr. Rabbit. "I forgive you. Love you." Her words were sleepy and slurred and her eyes were already closed.

The curl of her lashes against her round cheek hurt him. Something that pure and fragile should not exist in the same world as Todd, and Cary's father.

"Love you." He got up. "Night Tabby." He left the door open a little so the light would keep them company as they fell asleep.

His dad found him in the basement blasting asteroids on their old Nintendo. Jon didn't look at him or quit punching the buttons on his controller. "I already said sorry to Bea."

"It's a school night," Pete said. "Time to head to bed."

"I'll be up in a minute."

"Now, Jon."

Jon ended his game and tossed the controller onto the floor. He brushed past his dad on the stairs, close enough to smell the laundry soap on Pete's sweatshirt. For a second he thought Pete would grab his arm on the way by. Jon was so tense his shoulder blades felt pinned together.

He got ready for bed, slamming cupboards in the bathroom and kicking dirty laundry aside in the hall.

He was lying in bed, glaring at the ceiling when his father tapped on his open door. Underneath his beard, Pete's mouth was lined with fatigue. He leaned in the doorway, looking at Jon. "Cary's father and Rob Klassen were in the meeting with your principal today," Pete said. "I told them what you told me—that Cary was defending you."

Jon's hands closed on his blankets.

"Cary's suspended at home until the end of the week and suspended in school for the rest of next week."

Anger went off like a firework in Jon's chest. "Cary didn't start that fight."

"Todd is suspended too," Pete said. He measured Jon with his look. "You understand that there is never, ever a good time to use violence as a solution, right?"

"I knew you would say that," Jon muttered.

"Okay. Do you know why I would say that?"

"Because it's God's job." Jon didn't look at his dad, but he knew exactly where he was standing. If Pete took one step over the line into his room, he thought he would explode.

"That's part of it," Pete finally said. The silence that followed was painful but Pete still didn't leave. "Can I pray with you tonight?"

Jon turned his face away. "No," he whispered.

After a moment he heard his father turn to go. "Good night then son. Love you."

When Pete turned the lights out, it was as dark in the room as it was inside Jon. He shut his eyes and realized he was crying. He thought of Cary and as soon as he thought of him, he prayed for him. It was like a reflex—reaching out even when no one seemed to be listening. God hadn't kept him safe, God hadn't kept Cary safe, and there was nothing he could hold onto anymore. He wanted to go back to being as small as Bea hugging Mr. Rabbit in her bed.

I have done everything you wanted my whole life. You said you were Love. Where are you?  

1081 words.