Winning her back

23. Secret crush

Tom

"Crap", I groaned as I glanced at my watch. It was 2am. I wasn't planning on staying out this late. I was dreading coming home, but I knew I had to eventually.

I sighed as I reached for my keys in my back pocket. I silently cursed at the lock, I didn't want to wake Lydia up. Making my way to the kitchen, I tiptoed behind the counter to reach for a bottle of water.

The light flicked on before I had a chance to take a sip.

"Where have you been?", said a very angry looking Lydia. Of course she would be awake, luck was never on my side.

"Christ Lyd, you scared the sh**t out of me".

"You didn't answer my question".

I built up the courage and turned to face her. She was pissed and rightly so. But more than that, her eyes mirrored sadness, frustration and disappointment.

"The usual pub down the road. Where else would I be?", I replied, with a harsher tone then intended.

"With Ben?".

"No, I haven't seen Ben in weeks. Why does it matter?".

"Because Tom", she began whilst lifting her arms. "I thought that Ben was the problem, but clearly he was n't".

I furrowed my eyebrows. "I'm not sure what problem you're referring to".

She chuckled sarcastically. "Oh come on Tom, you're never home, you're always out late and sprint for work early morning to avoid confrontation. You don't think thats a problem?".

"You're overreacting. I'm thirty years old. I didn't know it was crime to go to the pub with my mates".

"Can't you see that our marriage is falling apart", she pleaded. "I never said that you couldn't spend time with your friends Tom, I'm just asking you to spend a little time with me too".

I sighed deeply and focused my gaze on the picture frame behind Lydia, which was a picture of the day we got married. She looked radiant, glorious and happy. I wish I could say the same for myself, but the reality was, that I was just there to make her fairytale dream wedding come true.

Lydia and I met back in high school. Just a few months after Ben and Lisa got together. She was head of the cheerleading team. I was head of the soccer team. It made sense for us to be together. We shared the same friends, school and we were both heading to the same university. We were your typical 'it' couple.

It also made sense for us to get married. I mean, thats what you're supposed to do if you want to be successful, right? Get a job, get married and have kids. I learned that first hand from my best friend, Ben. The Ben, that we all thought couldn't be tamed, was the first one to  follow the step by step guide to the so called successful life.

It all made f'ucking sense back then, until it didn't. Until Ben slept with Torvi, and got divorced. All of a sudden, nothing made sense anymore. That's when I questioned my relationship and whether I would have reacted the same way, if Lydia had cheated on me.

And the truth was, I wouldn't have cared.

"I just thought we'd be at a different stage in our relationship by now".

I pushed my thoughts aside and focused on the current conversation. "What stage?", I asked already knowing the answer.

"I thought we'd be planning on having kids by now", she said.

I closed my eyes and wished for anything but this conversation. I knew it was coming, and I also knew I couldn't avoid it.

"Do you love me Lydia?".

It was obvious that my question took her by surprise.  F*ck, I was surprised myself when the words left my mouth.

"What kind of question is that?".

"Answer the question".

"Of course I love you Tom. Where is this coming from?".

"I'm not talking about the kind of love that makes you feel secure and safe. Or the type that shapes your life and purpose. I'm talking about the love that consumes you and makes you feel weak to your knees. The type that makes you feel scared, vulnerable and terrified. The love that brings you life, but can also bring you death".

I noticed the tears forming in her eyes, which she was trying to hide by turning away from me.

"I .. I", she began. She looked defeated.

"We don't love each other like that Lydia. We never really did".

"I don't want to be with anyone else Tom", she confessed.

I inched towards her and engulfed her in my arms. It was an act which hadn't been done in a long time. It was almost foreign. But it felt right.

"I know Lyd, I know", I said as I gently patted her hair.

It pained me to realise that I had never truly loved her. It made me wonder where we would have been if we were just honest with each other from the start. Or rather, if I was honest from the start.

We were so hard headed on achieving the picture perfect family, that we avoided expressing our true feelings. Our marriage turned out to be anything but perfect.

I knew what the sensation of love felt like. I had experienced it before. The ache, the burn and the feeling of your heart compressing beneath your chest. The want and the longing. The tingling in your fingers. I had felt them all before, but not for Lydia.

I had only loved one person my entire life. I didn't know it was love back then, I thought it was just infatuation or attraction. I was a kid, barely a teenager. But I knew that I wanted her from the first time our eyes met in 7th grade. It felt like all the air had escaped my lungs, and I could barely breathe.

It felt like I was part of a Daniel Steel novel, but it was true. She truly took my breath away. She was beautiful. But she was more than that. She was smart, kind, funny and honest. Anyone could fall in love with her.

It wasn't love at first sight. Anyone could appreciate beauty from a far. But it takes dedication to appreciate the beauty within. Admiring her from the back of the classroom was an opportunity. But getting to know her, was destiny.

I should have persued her then, when I had the chance. I didn't understand my feelings back then. It took me a while to acknowledge and accept them. And when I did, it was too late.

My sweet Lisa was already dating my best friend, Ben.

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