Trapped (A Ticci Toby Story)

Epilogue- Elevation

Three months have passed since then.
It was supposed to get better, but it hasn't.
I was allowed to sleep in my own room two weeks ago.
After three months of being strictly under Jack's care, slender hasn't made me go with the proxies.
He's left me alone for the most part, only occasionally popping in to stroke me like a pet and fret over my well being.
I am thankful that I don't have to face the outside world yet, but slender has made it clear that he was willing to send me out dying or not if he felt the need.
I'm starting to learn my place in the world.
I wasn't free.
I will never be free.
My purpose is to throw myself to the wolves on a moments notice and give them everything I have until I'm tired, worn, and on the brink of exhaustion.
then I'm expecting to give them more.
I understand now, why the proxies let me be oblivious to the severity of my responsibilities for so long.
They were just trying to protect me.
Slender didn't care what happened to me, but they did. They did everything they could for me and I made their lives hell for so long.
They were the only ones who understood the pressure our lives were in. The only ones I can go to.
I still feel a sense of muted relief when they come home.
I can't even imagine anything happening to either of them.
They stopped asking why I cry out at night or why they find me sitting with Ben before the sun rises.
Sally never comes to find me in my room when she has a nightmare and Jeff doesn't talk to me like he used to.
In fact, he speaks to me like he'll say something wrong and I'll disappear again... They all do now.
I should say I was tired of being treated like I was made of glass, but I don't care.
I don't care about anything anymore.
I was tired.
The nightmares, the insulation and loneliness.
The constant fear or my own mind slipping back to what happened on that farm.
I couldn't go to Masky and hoodie about it anymore. I was tired of the pity they felt for me and the hurt in their eyes.
So I stopped.
I gave up.
This life wasn't worth the pain.
Maybe the proxies have noticed this small detail. They would constantly check on me throughout the night,
They would knock on the door if I take to long in the shower, or hover over me and try to make small talk whenever they had the chance.
I knew they were trying.
I knew they were as lost as I was on what to do.
They couldn't help me... and I didn't want them to.
Nothing was going to be okay again.
But...
Somehow things did change. For better or for worse, it's too soon to tell.
It was Jeff who blew up on Ben a few days ago.
The act that set the change into motion.
I was sitting on the sofa next to Ben.
A movie played on the TV.
He wasn't watching, not really.
But I was.
The movie was about a woman who lost her family. She was going through what I was.
...Depression.
That's what Jack said when Masky asked him about me while he thought I was asleep.
I sympathized with her. I watched the way she carried herself and the way she saw the world.
The things she look at when someone was talking to her.
The window,
The bathtub,
A knife.
I knew where this story was going... And apparently, so did Jeff.
The woman finally stood alone with the knife in the bathroom.
The music grew erry and melancholy as she stared down at it in her hands and I worried for her.
Don't go.
The tears fell down her face and--
The TV was abruptly shut off.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Jeff's voice shook me out of my trance.
Our attention snaps to the man on the other side of the room.
"What the hell man! We were watching that!" Ben snaps.
I shoot him a look knowing that his mind was elsewhere the entire time.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking idiot?" Jeff yells back. "You can't watch that Infront of the kid!"
Ben looks at me in confusion before turning back to Jeff.
"Why not?" His voice seeped with annoyance.
"BECAUSE, dip shit! You can't watch a movie about someone who fucking--" his mouths the words 'offs herself' in his direction. "In front of the kid! You can't show him that!"
Ben eyes widen and he looks at me.
I stare back at him in confusion.
Did they really think I didn't know suicide existed? Were they worried that if I 'found out' about it, that I would do it?
Ben looks back to Jeff and whispers, "I'm sorry, bro, I didn't know."
Jeff throws the remote at Ben, who reflects it in mid air before it even crosses the room.
"Fuck man! I said I was sorry!"
So they are still trying to leave me in the dark.
I thought bitterly.
I'm glad some things never change.
"You're sorry?" Jeff snaps "you're going to be sorry when you tell those two fuck heads that you put the idea in the kid's fucking head!"
Ben put his hands up in defense.
"Woah, you're higher up in the ranks, man. I'm not touching that! They will kill me as it is!"
"I'm going to fucking kill you myself if you don't grow a pair and get your ass out there!"
"No balls here, man." Ben shakes his head.
Fucking idiots.
"Guys-" I try to cut in bitterly.
"You asshole! Why do I always have to be the one who gets my head chewed off! It'll be your fault if we find him d-e-a-d in a d-i-t-c-h."
"Why you gotta say it like that? I don't want to see that! We don't even know if he's... Like that, man! Common! Why don't you just ask him? We don't even know if that's what he's thinking. We don't have to make a big deal about it."
"Guys, w--"
"Stay out of this, Toby!"
I grit my teeth and drop my head in my hands. This is never going to change.
"I'm not going to do that! Tim can fucking do it That moron's got a temper and Toby is one of two people he actually gives a shit about!" Jeff continues with Ben.
"And if he thinks that toby is going to k-i-l-l h-i-m-s-e-l-f because of me, fuck, I'm better off with you."
"You're the one who showed him the fucking movie!"
"I didn't show him anything! It was just on! Besides! She didn't even do anything yet! It's not like he's going to figure-"
I had enough at this point.
I slammed my fist down onto the side table with pent up rage. The surface shook and rattled louder than I thought it would, but I didn't care.
They two men finally looked at me.
"I can spell, you fucking idiots!" I yell.
I was on my feet in that moment. I wanted to strangle them.
I wanted to hurt them,
So I leave.
I could hear them scrambling behind me to catch me.
I run up the stairs, taking two steps at a time.
"Toby --!" I slam my bedroom door shut.
"Common kid!" Jeff banged on the other side as soon as I turn the lock.
I leaned my back against it and closed my eyes
"Just leave me alone!" I yell back.
I didn't know why I was so angry, why I felt so hostile.
"Toby!" Ben tried. "I'm sorry, bro! We're just worried about you! That's all!"
Nothing has changed.
Nothing will ever change.
Nothing will ever get better.
I dig my nails into my scars, trying to spend my rage on anything, but them.
I was seeing red. I pulled at my hair and grit my teeth.
Why can't they just leave me alone! I want to be alone! Just for once!
I wanted to be alone...
I didn't want to be here anymore.
I missed Jane. I missed Marco and Sam... Er, Avery.
I just wanted them back. I wanted to be back in those walls holding them, keeping them safe.
I didn't belong here anymore.
I belonged to Cheryl.
I had no right to be here. Not without them.
I failed to many times.
"Call Tim." I hear Jeff mumble on the other side of the door. "Tell him to get his ass over here."
And to me, "Toby, open the god damn door!"
"Fuck off, Jeff!"
"You wanna come out and say that to my face?" He was trying to belittle me. To challenge me to get me out of here.
Maybe that would work on him, but I wasn't him. I didn't care what he thought of me.
I don't say anything.
Maybe he'll leave.
I knew he wasn't going to break down my door because that would be directly defying slender.
And in slender's eyes, my life wasn't worth a door.
I was safe from him.
Tired of him knocking against my back, I get up and moved to my bed and cover my ears.
I could almost pretend I was alone now.
My thoughts are loud and I finally allow them to take over my mind.
I did want to take my own life.
It seems like the easiest thing to do most of the time, but it doesn't seem worth it. Not yet.
I didn't know that they knew that's how I felt. Did they know of the books I found that covered it? Reports for law enforcement, tragic stories, and sappy romance novels.
Or was I really so transparent in my actions?
It didn't matter now, I didn't want to deal with the fallout. I didn't have the energy to pretend I cared right now.
I turn towards my window and the sun blazes through onto my face.
I close my eyes and pretend that it is the blinding light in the cellar.
Sam is snuggled up to my chest. Marco is leaning beside me, Jane is stroking his hair, and Alex is sitting near by with her arms crossed and her eyes closed.
I didn't expect to survive the journey. I expected to see the three of them make it to safety. I didn't expect to have to live with the aftermath of it all.
I didn't expect to live through this alone.
This was to much for me to handle.
I wished Tim left me to drown in that lake.
I wished Brian didn't beg slender to leave me with them.
I feel a tear slide down my face and into my ear before sleep takes me away.