Falling

50

TRIGGER WARNING: mention of sexual assault/rape

Carson Hughes

It was useless for me to be at school. I couldn't focus. Not with what had happened in the locker room, with what Seth did to Vinny, with what he said to him. The vision of Vinny on the floor with Seth's hand wrapped around his neck was on a continuous loop in my head, the sound of Seth's wicked tone being a constant sound.

I know you don't actually believe Darren raped you.

I couldn't escape those words. They wouldn't leave my mind. They stayed there, torturing me, making me want to throw up then find Darren and tear his head off.

Darren. Just thinking about him made me clench my fists in anger. I was angry at him, and at myself for letting my guard down, for stopping my suspicions of him. I should've known, should've trusted my instincts about him.

I thought back to all my interactions with him, trying to nit pick every action I had seen him do, every word I heard him say. It was to the point that I couldn't tell if I was making certain things up in my head just because I now knew of his guilt.

He looked at Vinny strangely when we saw him in the woods with Thomas. But was it a strange look or was he just looking? Did he react strangely when he found out about me dating Vinny or was he just surprised?

There was no way I could tell. I hadn't paid enough attention. But I paid a lot of attention to Vinny and I couldn't remember a time he ever interacted with Darren. He locked himself in his room and told me not to go up there when Darren had been at his house. He hadn't just wanted to be alone; he wanted to keep Darren out.

I thought of the way Vinny had been so hesitant to sleep over at my house or have me sleep in his room, the way he hated being alone in his house, and how he sometimes got freaked out when we were kissing if he wasn't completely in control. I also thought about how he was so easily scared while he was in the house and how he always sat at his window sill, half facing the door like he was on alert and ready to escape through the window if he had to.

I should have put it together. I had noticed all these things but never thought about what they actually meant.

What other signs had I missed?

Guilt ate at me when I realized earlier in the year I had called him to pick us all up from Darren's house when I was too drunk to drive, the first night I kissed him. He must have felt like he had no other choice. It was my fault he had to go there, to risk running into Darren, to no doubt be plagued by memories of what Darren had done to him.

"Carson," I was pulled from my thoughts by my teacher. "You're wanted in Principal Williams' office."

I stood up from my seat, gathering my things. My classmates watched me as I moved, some whispering to each other. There was no doubt people had already heard about what took place in the locker room this morning, no doubt people were already making assumptions and taking sides.

I rushed out of the room and made my way to the principal's office, looking in through the windows before I entered. I didn't want to see Seth there. If I did, I didn't know if I would be able to hold myself back from him. Luckily, the office appeared to be empty other than the secretaries in front.

"I'm Carson Hughes," I told the lady at the desk when I entered. "I got called by Principal Williams."

She didn't even have time to respond before he was walking toward me.

"Carson, please come have a seat," he said, gesturing toward his office.

When I entered the room, I suddenly felt trapped. The office was smaller than I had imagined it. The walls were bare except for framed degrees and awards and our school's football poster.