A Guide to Humans

Prologue: First Encounter

Most humans believe in aliens, although anyone who claims to have seen them are seen as crazy people or drug addicts who had a particularly traumatizing trip.
I personally don't know how many people know for sure without a shadow of a doubt that aliens exist, but I do know it is at least one.
Me. I know aliens exist.
Hold up, wait, let me just rewind and explain my self.
See, a couple years ago I was doing my thing, climbing trees to get photos of baby birds, when I noticed about half a mile away some weird, starwars-y metal things in a clearing. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back so off I went to investigate. Believe it or not, I am white and this is a common occupational hazard. What we lack in culture, we make up for in stupid decisions.
So I am at the edge of the clearing and I am staying low, looking through bushes when I see two large figures burst through the other side. They were huge, fuzzy, one blue, one a dark green, and had 4 arms and eyes. I barely was able to not stand up and shout "What the fuck?". What would your reaction be if you saw two fuzzy characters straight out of Ben 10 in the middle of the woods? Yeah, so stop judging me. Regardless, I didn't, and I watched them carrying what looked like biological samples back to their small ship. The doors shut, the engine powered up, and they were gone within minutes.
I honestly wished I had snuck onto the ship, because in the next 16 times I had seen aliens, now taking notes and trying to be extra sneaky, occasionally stealing from the ships, I couldn't stay inside them long because those fuckers wore respirators, because they couldn't breath oxygen. But, I did find something that after a bit of technological fiddling I was able to change the language of into English.
Apparently, while humans weren't aware of aliens, aliens are very, Very, VERY aware of us. The tablet I found had so much research on earth and it's inhabitants, and a schedule. Turns out, there was regulations on how many times any alien vessel could come to certain sectors of earth and how often. The next time would be a couple months away, but I knew the location.
So I prepped for travel. I was packed light enough to sneak in and hide, so long as the aliens could breath the same atmosphere.
I lucked out.
Leaving the atmosphere sucks, I nearly puked and got a concussion because I was not properly secured in the duct I climbed into. When I woke up, the shuttle was in what looked to be a docking bay in a bigger ship. I had done it.
I knew if I was gonna learn anything, I had to stay hidden. So I stuck to the ducts of the ships and over a period of about what I assume to be 2 months, I learned the layout of the ship and how to change all the ships tools into English, because they had the options for the 45 most common human languages in their "educational mode".
It was at that point I realized I was way to lucky for my own good and I started to learn everything I could, including things my professors back at the engineering university I had dropped out of couldn't have possibly taught me. I also enjoyed watching a particular alien who had a lab near the center of the ship study plants from earth. At one point, he was called out and I snatched his tablet before retreating to my duct and after changing the settings, I found that not only he had gotten the names wrong, but also had some wild hypothesis about the way the plants would perform with certain conditions.
So... I altered his notes, kept his settings in English, and left his tablet in his quarters. Then, I waited.
I was anxious the next day, watching him work. But he left the tablet on the table after finishing, so I grabbed it again.
He left me a note.
Thank you, don't touch my stuff again.
So I left him a note back.
You are researching my home and people, don't tell me what to do.
This went on for another month, mostly us bickering and me helping him better understand the foliage. I eventually learned his name was Marx, and he had to do research to understand the joke I made about his name.
He didn't think it was funny.
I also learned that surprisingly my weirdly jointed friend was a Purcolche, a species of sentient aliens who had two sets of knees and elbows, elongated heads, two sets of jaws like a moray eel, and males had dazzling colors and patterns that varied from the regions their families hailed from on his home planet, while females were more dull colored, although their patterns were just as distinguishable. Shortly after I left him my first note, he started to leave food in the lab with the tablet after he was done, which was great because it was hard to steal food regularly. And the showering thing was only made possible because I had learned how to use a guest quarters sonic shower, which wasn't as good as a real shower, but they got the job done.
All the same, my mental health was struggling because the limited communication with Marx could only do so much. I mentioned this once, and the next day, he came into the lab with the captain. Both were wearing a head piece that curved around their jaw bone to their ear.
And then Marx spoke in English.
"Fabel, it's okay to come out. We aren't going to hurt you, and we can't take you back to earth. You shouldn't be living in the vents." He said calmly, looking at the various vent openings.
"I..." I said quietly, the captain and Marx's heads snapping to the vent I was hiding in. I was scared, and I didn't know if I could trust the captain. The captain took a step towards me and Marx stopped him, giving him a look and going to the vent alone, crouching down to it.
"It's okay. I will tear someone's throat out if they hurt my favorite lab assistant." He said quietly, not touching the opening.
I slowly reached out and opened it, looking at him and I will admit, I was shaking. This was the first time I was this close with anyone who wasn't human, and it was a lot. But Marx opened his arms, and I crawled out and into them. He was so much larger than me, I must of looked like a child. This was the first time I had touched anyone else in months and he seemed aware of that because he held me for a long time, letting me choose when to pull away.
"I am sorry." He said quietly. "I knew your species is a social species, but I didn't think about it until you said something. I failed you."
I shook my head and looked at him.
"You didn't fail me at this. You failed me at calling me your assistant." I said, chuckling. "You were clueless before I showed up and helped you."
He made a small gurgling noise in his chest, a sound I learned was his kind's version of a scoff and helped me stand, steadying me, and looking at the captain.
The captain was shorter than me, with dark reddish skin that was fleshy and freckled with yellow dots. His head was shaped vaguely like a hammerhead shark and he had shockingly large blue eyes.
"So you are Fabel. I thought Marx made you up since he has been obsessed with humans for years. A figment of imagination."
"Is it common for adult Purcolches to have imaginary friends?" I said, looking at Marx.
"Oh, you weren't kidding when you said she knew to much to send back." The captain sighed, looking at Marx, his down turned mouth straightening.
"Yes..." Marx looked at me and stood up straight.
"We have to go to a meeting with all the other heads of the ship and you need to come with us." He explained, concern in his voice and pulling a similar ear piece out of his coat pocket and handed it to you. "This will let you understand everyone and everyone understand you. They need to understand the situation, exactly how much of a situation you being here is."
"Did I put you in trouble?" I squeaked, fear creeping back into my heart. Marx was the only friend I had here.
"No, but technically this conversation is extremely illegal. But since we didn't abduct you, we didn't break the law. But humans are not at their warp age, so interfering with humans and their evolution is illegal. So we can't let you go home, but you shouldn't be here."
"Oh." I said quietly and closed my eyes. "So you are gonna have to kill me?" I asked tilting my head down.
"What?! No!" The captain protested. "That is not an option." He stated, walking over to me, placing his hand on my arm. "I know you are scared, but we won't let you get hurt. We just need to have you demonstrate what you know, why we can't take you back, and let the heads of the sectors know what they should be explaining to their subordinates. This is to make it easier to integrate you into the crew, Fabel."
I looked at the two of them and realized how careful they were being to make you feel secure and safe. I couldn't help but feel thankful for this.
I nodded and put the translator on.