Fool's Love

6. To Drown

Swimming is something I do to clear my head. I like the feeling of the bubbles streaming out my nostrils as I exhale. I like clawing my way through the water, reaching for something. I tap the wall, and my head breaks free of the water; drops stream down my face and bead on my eyelashes as I hold onto the ledge. I notice his tan feet and hairy shins first, then gradually the rest of him. Xavier looms over me like some painted statue of Achilles; his short golden curls press his scalp, damp with water. Some sort of thick black belt wraps around his waist.

I force myself to smile. "Didn't know you swam here."

"It's a decent place," Xavier says, jumping into the pool and splashing me. He disappears beneath the water; my chest tightens as I wait for him to surface. He doesn't. People swim in other lanes, focused on the goal ahead of them. A group of women chat by a wooden bench, towelling their hair. I hear time ticking in my chest. He should be up by now.

I feel something hold my ankle. Some monster's claw has emerged out of a portal and tries to pull me down to its level. When it succeeds, Xavier hugs my waist; his dark unprotected eyes are wide open despite the harsh chemicals that surround us.

Xavier's lips curl into a smile as we float in place. He presses his lips to mine, reminding me of the past, but I hadn't gotten a chance to breathe before he pulled me under. Panic fills my veins as a scream fills my chest, working its way up my throat. I try to push him away, but he holds me, determined to take me down to hell with him. He feels like a heavy weight, pulling me down towards the ground. Bubbles leak out my lips; I am no longer swimming but drowning. I need air badly. I crave it.

I reach for the surface, trying to grasp something, but I'm trapped beneath the water.

As my air runs out, I try to breathe, and liquid fills my mouth, throat, and lungs. My head becomes heavy as we sink. My vision beneath my goggles starts to blur, and I surrender to the dizzy feeling that is beginning to take me over.

Xavier lets me go, and I rise slowly as he unhooks his belt. I use the little strength I have to swim to the surface, pull myself free of the water, and onto the ledge. My body feels foreign, heavy, and cumbersome. I roll across the tiles, or rather, fall onto my back and stare at the glass ceiling overhead. The pool water in my lungs is choking me. I inhale, but something is blocking the air from entering. I choke. Liquid leaks out my nostrils as I gasp.

Xavier climbs out of the pool and crouches near me. He looks beautiful, almost glowing in the rays that filter through the skylight. His lips move as he calls to someone, but the sound muffles. I still feel like I'm underwater. My ears are plugged, and my body feels like it is floating away from me.

***

I lie in a hospital bed; oxygen works its way into my body through tubes that plug my nose. I faintly remember the ambulance ride, the flashing lights and the surprised faces of people leaving the community centre. I remember the paramedics wheeling me into the emergency room and the chaotic flurry of activity before things settled down.

Xavier sits by my bed in a wheelchair meant for me to use once I'm feeling better. "How are you feeling?" he asks.

"Shitty. Like I swallowed nearly half the pool." An uncomfortable sensation fills my stomach as the filthy water slushes around my tummy. The doctor enters the room, checks my lungs with his stethoscope, and then exits, murmuring that he'll be back in a few minutes.

Xavier pokes my cheek. "We never agreed that you could date someone else." He pauses, frowns, and then adds, "You didn't write to me once while I was in the army. I waited for a letter week after week, and nothing came." His eyes seem teary, and I hope he doesn't cry. The last time he cried, I froze and betrayed him.