Journal of a Broken Person

Bladed Words

I am a person who's used to standing on a pedestal. A darling of the crowd, smiling like I'm living in a world of absolute bliss filled with rainbows and warm sunny days. Growing up, I excelled at everything I lay my hands on.  I was even considered an overachiever and nicknamed the "golden child" by the people who knew me. The context of why they considered me as such remained a mystery to me for quite some time. Like a naive little boy, I just assumed it was because of my achievements that they gave me such high regard. Time revealed that their adoration and praise are sitting on a foundation of insincerity and crippling insecurity. Putting so much pressure on a young child and always challenging him if he could do more is an attempt to break a person far superior to them. These testing are very dangerous which made me question my abilities. They were so lethal and effective that they would always cause me to spiral. I started putting unbearable pressure on myself to achieve even the impossible often neglecting my physical and mental well-being.  The feats never made me happy and I hated myself for making errors that no one usually pays attention to. Deep inside it was ingrained in me that making simple mistakes is not acceptable for me compared to my contemporaries. The thing is, sitting on the pedestal for as long as I did, creates an unquenchable thirst to do everything perfectly.  A minuscule error and a tiny chink on my armor are magnified to an unimaginable extent that it never failed to fill my head with paranoia. Catching myself having lapses would suffice to destroy everything I hold dear and it all started with a chronic fear of being less than I was expected to be. That's why it was important to me to do everything perfectly or else I will disappoint the people around me and most of all disappoint myself. I became a perfectionist with impossible expectations. It turned me into a broken, pessimistic, sad sack of a person who will never find satisfaction. Words can break people folks; it broke me. I wish I was more aware of the hidden agendas of these people and realize that even compliments and recognitions are harmful.  Now I'm dealing with a crippling self-doubt that still affects everything I do.