Finding My Yellow Brick Road

Chapter Nine - The Real Wiz

THE WIZ IS there, all right, but he's not a real wizard. He's not even a real 'he'. 'He' is, in fact, female. And she's chilling in a robe, reading a magazine.

"I knew I smelled a rat!" The Lion proclaims triumphantly.

"Is that the Wiz?" My cousin asks, shocked.

The Wiz was speaking into a mic, which explains the voice distortion; now she scrambles, trying to cover up her mistake, and she blabbers. "I am the, um, all-powerful, um, uh, all-knowing, um, ah . . . all for nothin'." She gives up.

Her hair ain't even green. It's brown. She was wearing a wig. I shake my head, disappointed.

"Hello!" She says, brightly, turning to us and smiling.

"You don't mean . . ." the Scarecrow says.

"Couldn't be," the Tinman mutters.

"You mean the Wiz is . . ." my cousin starts.

"A fraud!" The Lion finishes.

"A-a-and a woman!" The Tinman points out.

"And what's wrong with bein' a woman?" My cousin asks fiercely.

"Nothin'," the Tinman says, turning towards me for help, but I just grin at him.

"Yeah, that's right, ain't nothin' wrong with bein' a woman!" Dorothy replies.

"Don't look at me, sugar, I would've said the same thing," I tell him, giving my cousin a high-five.

"I don't know where y'all fools learnt y'all manners." Dorothy finishes.

"All right, all right, we got it, cuz. But," I say, turning to the Wiz, "there is everything wrong with lyin'!"

"Who you callin' a liar?" The Wiz thunders, but we all give her a look, and the Tinman points to her little setup behind the curtain.

"Oh," she says sheepishly, "right. Me." She sighs. "I'm nothin' but a hugster from Omaha."

"Omaha?" My cousin repeats.

"Howdy, neighbor," the Wiz answers.

"But how'd you get here?" Dorothy asks.

"Oh, girl . . . the places you wind up when you don't look where you goin'. Back in Omaha, I had me a job as a magician's assistant. The Amazing Alfred & Co. I was the & Co. At night, we'd do magic shows, but during the day we'd give folks a ride in a hot-air balloon. That was the part I liked. I loved flyin'. But unfortunately, I hated Alfred. One day, he just pushed me too far. I hopped into that hot-air balloon, and I took off for the sky! I mean, I wasn't plannin' to disappear, I just wanted to teach mean ol' Alfred a lesson. Next thing I know, there came a storm with winds and rains so strong it was all I could do to stay inside that thing! I hunkered down, and I hid my eyes for what seemed like forever, and when I landed, here I was! Folks came runnin' from every which way to see what had blown in on the wind. Well, not wantin' to disappoint nobody, I quick threw on ol' Alfreds' black top hat and cape and did my best to give the folks a magic show. Next thing I know, they slapped fancy threads on me, and set me up in these digs, and proclaimed me the all-powerful Wizard of Oz."

"Couldn't you tell someone the truth?" Dorothy argues.

"Well, I tried! But they was so happy to have a Wizard they thought could protect them from Evillene and Evamean, they wouldn't hear it!" The Wiz explains. "So . . . here I am." The Wiz sighs before continuing. "All these years later, hidin' in the dark, lest somebody find out what a nothing I really am."

"We've been played," the Scarecrow says mournfully.

"That's whack!" The Lion says. "Gettin' our hopes all up."