Oh, Messanger of god, may peace be upon you.
When you visited me in so many dreams as a child, did you know? Did our lord tell you how much hardship I would have to go through in the future?
Am I one of the people who you stayed up all night crying for?
Am I apart of the ummah that you feared would fail to pray the obligatory prayers?
Because, I'm sorry. I struggle to pray so much.
How can I be so selfish and blame it on my depression?
When you prayed even more in the year of misery. When your beloved wife, the love of your life, the one who comforted, held and caressed you through your pain.
When your adoptive father and uncle passed. The man who raised you from a young age, who gave you food to eat, who never forced his ideals upon you, who had patience and love in his gaze when he looked upon you.
How could I be so selfish and say
I am too tired to pray.
When I say
I'm so tired of praying. I don't feel anything.
But it is because I fail to pray that I am numb.
You delivered everything I need from my lord. You've told me what to do to feel things again.
And I admit, I've tried.
But I'll also admit that I haven't tried enough.
But I can't be so hard upon myself, because all of these stories of the Sahabah, your companions. All these stories of how they obeyed without hesitation. How they obeyed without hesitation, and how they prayed for fun, for comfort, for happiness, for help.
I can't even pray for my lord.
But they had you, ya rasullallah. They had you
They heard your recitation of the Quran
They saw your smile brighten the world
They prayed behind you
They had revelations narrated by you given to you by our lord
They fought alongside you
They cried with you
They loved with you
They laughed with you
They listened to you
They had you.
I have no one.
I am alone in this world. And yes, I do have family.
But it is not like yours. It is not a loving family.
We ignore each other for months on end. We scream at each other. We fight each other. We hate each other.
I love my mother, but in the middle of all of this, she is busy.
And so I have no one. No one but your stories to cling to, your sunnah to follow and your tears in my own.
We cry to the same lord, but not for the same reason.
You cry for me to pray, to be granted jannah.
I cry to meet you in jannah, to hug and kiss you and to rest beside you under a tree with the rivers of heaven running beside us.
But it's not just you that I desire to meet
I wish to hear Bilal RA call me for the Adhan
I desire to hear Aisha RA speak about our lord
I desire to see Abu Bakr RA, a man even the prophets of islam will envy for his character and connection to Allah SWT
I desire to meet the sword of Allah, Khalid ibn al Walid RA, a man who could not be taken down in battle no matter what
I desire to see the lion of Allah, the first child to convert to Islam, Imam Ali RA
I wish to meet Khadija RA, the first woman to convert to islam. The first person to accept islam as soon as you told her about it.
But no matter how many times I say it, it never feels like enough.
I want to see you the most, ya rasullallah SAW. I want to meet a heaven inside of heaven. I want to be free of this dunya, this prison. I want to be with you right now.
Ya allah SWT, please take me to him. Take me to you, take me with your mercy and love to the man you created with perfection. Perfect me, because I cannot bring myself to be a terrible person in front of my prophet.
Help me, ya rabbi SWT.
Grant me your mercy.
Grant me a spouse to find you with.
No. Make me so in love with you, that a man has to love you first in order to love me as well.
Make me lose myself in your love.
But make me find myself through your love.
There are so many emotions I feel for you, ya rabbi SWT, but how am I supposed to explain then?
Teach me how to love you, please.
I'm begging you, please.
Please, save me, my lord.
My master.
My creator.
The most Merciful
The All Knowing
The most Loving.
questions?
If not, I would like to remind you all.
We are spoken about by the prophet saw.
He knows we are struggling more than even the sahabah did with our eman, our deen.
Thats a fact. We did not have him to guide us, we did not see obvious miracles they did, even though everything around us is already a miracle.
But the majority of dwellera in jannah, believe it or not, are sinners.
But they are sinners who repented.
So dont worry, as long as you repent to your lord, you will be forgiven. Because he is the most merciful.
And the prophet cried for us, his ummah. He understands us more than anyone else, but he's never met us. Isnt that beautiful?
So dont be hard on yourself.
One prayer is better than none. You dont have to pray all five right away.
A dua for repentance is better than none. You dont have to get to praying right away.
One step at a time. It is only intention that matters.
For my fellow women, have you ever heard that the majority of dwellers of hell are women?
Dont be afraid, because the majority of heavens dwellers are women too.
Its a hadith that many corrupt men use against us in our religion. There have always been more women than men in history, so much that we make the majority of both heaven and hell.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't be afraid, but don't be too concerned about that hadith.
Assalam Walaikum wa rahmatallahi wa barakatu
