Angelfire | The Whispering Wall #3

Fifty: Uncertainties

"Stay still."

"Your fingers are cold." Grace squirmed again under Nova's hands and she removed them, glowering.

"I can't get an accurate reading if you won't stop wriggling. This is like trying to change a baby's swaddling clothes."

"It is not."

Nova raised an eyebrow, and Grace fell still on the bed, scowling but slightly shamefaced. "If you don't actually want to do this, we can wait until Jeorge gets here."

"I want to do it. I'd rather hear it from you." But her neck was flushed and she suddenly seemed unable to look Nova in the eye.

Nova placed her fingers back on Grace's belly, but did nothing for a long moment, waiting for Grace to look at her again. When she finally did, she said, "We can wait."

"Just look." Grace's throat bobbed as she turned away again. Nova sighed and closed her eyes, trying to feel for Grace's aura so she wouldn't get distracted by the emotions running across it. It was still difficult; this was so far from her area of expertise she couldn't quite believe she'd agreed, but she tried nevertheless, if only because she knew Jeorge was falling apart at the seams and wasn't likely to do a better job.

After a while she sighed and withdrew her hands. "I can't tell. It might be too early, or you might be too nervous to give me an accurate reading."

Grace propped herself up on an elbow, looking faintly panicked. "I don't want to get left behind, Nova. I need to be pregnant soon."

The word fell to the floor between them like dropping a lead weight into the conversation. Nova had carefully compartmentalised her feelings about this whole arrangement just to be able to bear it, but whenever it came up so baldly, the panic and anger she'd buried deep and covered over as best she could threatened to bubble up and spill over. She'd spent ten years successfully burying feelings she had no capacity to deal with, but when it came to Grace they always stayed in reaching distance, lurking under the surface like a threat.

"It'll be over faster, that's all." Grace flushed and lay back down on the table. Her eyes gleamed in the light streaming through the window. "I just need it to be over."

There was no point going over the old arguments. Grace had made her decision, and Nova wasn't fool enough to believe Harkenn would go back on that contract. The only way forward was through, and at the end of it she'd have her freedom. She just wanted one moment to look forward to that. But that didn't feel real, and this did, and she didn't know how to handle it.

"Well, I can't tell," she said, more waspishly than she'd intended. "And I can't make it happen any faster. Not that I'd want to if I could."

Grace flinched but didn't look over at her. "I know." She swallowed, loud in the silent room. "I know you don't forgive me for it. Joe can barely look at me anymore. I know he's not as busy as he says he is. But I made my choice, and I'm going through with it."

"It's like he's coming with us." Nova blurted it before she even knew she intended the conversation to continue. "It's like revenge. The only way I have ever been able to have even the slightest whiff of a chance at freedom since he caught me was through him having a child with my...with my..." Her throat tightened as Grace stared at her, stricken. "We couldn't ever have that, Grace. I could never give you that. You'll never have my baby, but you'll have his. It's like he's laughing at me. Like he fucking won." She crossed her arms, hugging herself as if it would keep everything from falling apart. "It's not just carrying a baby. You're carrying his. And he's got me looking after you so his heir gets protected. I don't just feel angry, I feel like an absolute mug, and it's worse because I'll still do it. You let him do this to us. So you're going to stop pretending like you're the only one making sacrifices here. I'm here for you, because I love you, but it hurts."