Conduit

Ch. 18

I couldn't remember the last time I felt this much pain. It rang in my chest, beating with my heart; an emotional ballad of my mistakes.

As I lay in my bed, I stared up at my ceiling light, purposely dimmed because I couldn't stand the light. I didn't want to see, nor did I want the shadows. But I was in them. They lurked in my head, too. Memories of the night Lyons ruined my life replayed before my eyes, flashing against the wall as if it were a backdrop.

I wasn't supposed to be home. I wasn't supposed to witness my grandfather bleeding out in our living room. But I ditched; caught and found them, just as an agent left the Garret garage with a large box in his hands. When my father tried to stop him, he was shot; he took a bullet to the chest, and why? Why had I lost the two men in my life that night?

Because they'd followed their thoughts and hopes and dreams. And Lyons, unable to fold to anyone smaller, needed their words, their knowledge, and intelligence. They needed it but didn't need them. My family was expendable. Their lives were useless.

I made a mistake. My life is useless. Katherine sees me as a liability and surely, I'm expendable.

Pushing my palms into my eyes, I tried to get the thoughts to stop. They pulsed and pushed inside me, making me sweat and tremble. This was terror. This was regret. I didn't deserve this position and the world would crumble sooner than expected.

I just wanted to go to sleep.

"Frank."

I peeled my hands away from my face as Victoria's voice echoed from outside my room. Blinking at the dim shadows surrounding my bed, I peered at my shut door. I sat up slightly in bed to listen.

She's calling Frank, but why?

"Yes, I understand it's late, but I need you to come up to Elijah's apartment. I believe he needs you more than he needs me."

My brows pinched together. I didn't need Frank. Why would she say that? If there was anyone I needed, it was her, but I wanted her to be there for me as I was for her for years. Since I was a teenager, I depended on her, relied on her warmth and kindness; the small embraces and moments of love and support she was designed to provide. I only perfected that part of her.

Selfishly, I took it. Tonight, I expected it. Maybe that's what she meant. What I needed and wanted to take she couldn't give me; she didn't support my urge to give up. Victoria was never one to let you say no. Maybe Frank would be that person.

"Yes, Frank, this is more than a machine can handle." The emotion in her voice made me frown. I dropped down against my pillow, sighing as I continued to listen to her. "He needs another person, Frank. A human. I believe you are the best person for this request."

The best person; he was the only person. Yes, I talked to Logan and went to him today, but he was apart of my decisions. If I hadn't believed he knew a short cut, I wouldn't have a fifty million debt on my head.

I pressed my hands over my face again.

"Let yourself inside when you're here. Reggie and I are sitting in the living room, but Elijah is in his room. Thank you for accepting my request."

Closing my eyes, I took in the scent of my lotion.

***

How long was it until my front door opened? Half an hour? An hour? I wasn't sure. All I knew was that once I heard the doorknob turn and the stools in the kitchen screech, I slid off my bed and made my way to my bedroom door. While I rushed to open it, I didn't want to seem desperate to those on the other side. So, I pretended to be slow; matching the pace of my beating heart.