nicky nichols one shots

Getting out

She's leaving. In less than 24 hours, she'll be out, roaming around in the real world, chain smoking, doing whatever the fuck she wants.
Fuckingshitballs.
I guess up until now, you were living in this little bubble, this little bubble of people. You always knew that it wasn't permanent, that eventually everyone would be out, living separate lives but up until this point you never actually thought about it. The people close to you leaving while you're still stuck in this hell hole.
You and Nicky had this- this relationship or...situationship that was so comfy and so regular that you never properly contemplated her actually leaving.
But, you're happy, happy for her, happy that she doesn't have to be in here another second, dealing with everyone's bullshit, dealing with the consequences of her actions.
Yet, overriding that is this fear that you'll never see her again. You know it's selfish but what can be done, these are your emotions and nothings changing that. Because, really, do we have that much control over our feelings?

She's sat on her bed, her glossy magazine prints still stuck on the wall, her cabinet still full and unmoving. She hasn't touched anything yet, she hasn't started giving stuff away, she's just sat, wild haired, unlacing her boot, not a care in the world.

You walk in. She's sat sideways across her bed, one leg propped up, undoing her laces. She looks up from her boot and smiles when she sees it's you.
"Well, hello" she says, in her usual drawl.
You walk to the bed and sit down next to her cross legged.
"Hi," You reply as she leans back, taking the boot off.
You look at her, she seems a quiet, she'd usually have some comment or remark to make. There's a sadness you decide, faint, but it's there in her face.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah just uh, having thoughts." She motions with her hand next to her head as she speaks.
"Thoughts?" You ask. Does she not want to go? Will she miss you? You stop these thoughts. She probably just found out she has nowhere to stay while she's out or something shitty like that. Don't make this about yourself.
"Yeah you know, those, uh, reoccurring brain signals where you have these little voices..." She trails off when she sees you're looking at her with a seriousness.
"I'm just thinking about who to give my hand mirror to." She looks at you, avoiding the conversation. You let her.
"I can think of many willing candidates." You nod, glancing around at her stuff, "in fact, you better start sorting this shit out, the vultures'll be here soon."
She smiles, "Yeah, yeah, fighting tooth and nail for my pot noodles." her eyes fall to her cabinet for a moment, there's a long pause.

You stretch your legs out in front of you, and there you're both sat, quiet, backs against the wall. You turn to look at her, unsure of what to say, but wanting to cheer her up. You may as well appease yourself while you're at it.
"It's a shame that when you're out..." you grin mischievously, leaning sideways towards her. She watches you, "I won't be able to do this."
You take her face in your hand and place a kiss against her cheek. You don't pull away, staying close to her. She smiles.
"We'll that's a tragedy alright." she says, her dark eyes flitting between yours, her hand beginning to trace your arm. You see a smile playing in her lips, but there's a rawness there and she's trying to mask it.
"What will you do without me?" You shake your head in pity, an attempt, yet again, to bring the usual level of jest to the conversation.
She scoffs, "I guess I'll somehow find a way." She says sarcastically.
You lean your head back against the wall, looking at the ceiling. This is all wrong, it's not the usual back and forth. There isn't the usual spark. You feel sour. This could be one of your last interactions and it's just not right. You sigh, stop being so selfish, she's got tonnes of shit to think about.
"Guess you'll have to find a new fling." She says, looking at you again, a hint of humour in her voice. Just a hint. She's gauging your reaction.
"Ah, no one could do it like you." You wink, joking back. You're not really joking, but she doesn't need to know that.
She grins, putting her hand to her chest.
"You flatter me, really."
You watch her, leaning against the wall, foot gently bouncing, her face so close to your own.
Fuck.
"You know," you face your body towards her, becoming sincere, "I will miss you."
You say, searching her expression.
It's just the truth.
Something flits across her face.
"Hey, I'll miss you too." She says, glancing at you, her face softening. There wasn't a hint of sarcasm. You're pleasantly surprised by her response, even if her feelings don't quite run so deep as yours.
"Yeah, but when you're out there, you won't think of this place." You speak your mind, "you won't think about this."
She'll be in a different dimension practically. Hopefully keeping clean, hopefully getting a job. Hopefully a lot of things. Your hands are entwined now.
"Mhmm," she leans into you, pressing a kiss into your temple, "probably not even once..."
"Yeah, it's probably for the best." You stop yourself from frowning, "like it never happened."
"If that's what you want." She says, pausing. You feel her eyes on you, waiting for a response.
You don't know what to say. How do you express your feelings without looking stupid, or sounding cringey.
"I wouldn't say it's what i want..." You say, spinning it flirtatiously. Your eyes find hers.
That smirk she pulls when she's getting her way emerges. She's got you round her little finger.
"God, I hate you." You chuckle, shaking your head.
"Me? Why?" She feigns mock confusion, turning herself so her face is parallel with yours, "because I know what you want?"
"What do I want?" You say quietly, not breaking eye contact.
She slides her hand to your face, dragging her thumb across your lower lip, her eyes falling to where she touches. You almost melt.
Her breath is warm against you, her hand crazing your jaw. Someone has to break the tension first and you go for it, pressing your mouth against hers.
She kisses you back passionately, tugging at your hips and pulling you on top of her. You oblige, straddling her. You sink your hands into her tangled roots, your body tingling all over.
Her hands find your waist, and she tries to drag you even closer, her mouth still warm against yours, still greedy. Everything is all consuming, this feeling of her against you, you against her is something you just want to keep reliving.
You're so lost in the moment your previous thoughts had nearly vanished. But suddenly they come to the front of your mind, you're brought to.
You break the kiss, by inches, your hands still resting softly against her skin, your legs still straddling hers. Her breathing is fast, you can feel her chest rising and falling. You want to say what you're thinking without spoiling this moment so you opt for a mock sad tone.
"But when you're gone," you say pouting slightly, "there'll be none of this..." you let your finger trace down her cheek.
"What? You'll miss our little moments?" she says with amusement, dark eyes flitting around your face. Why is she amused, why doesn't she care.
"Won't you?" You say too sincerely, your hand now grazing her jaw.
Her smile melts away, and her eyes scan yours.
"You think I'm not gonna miss this?"
"Well that's the impression I've been getting." You let your hand fall into your lap.
You're frustrated that there hasn't just been an open conversation about this.
You're sad that she isn't as obsessed with you as you are with her.
And you're upset that she doesn't know how obsessed with her you really are.
She holds your arm, looking up at you, now there's a look of frustration in her.
"You know I will." She says, frowning at you, "you know you're more than just a- you know you mean something to me." She's not looking at you now, she's clearly having difficulty expressing this to you. And now you're both frustrated.
"But you never told me that." You say with exasperation, trying not to frown, "how am I supposed to know that if you don't tell me??"
You fiddle anxiously with the hem of your shirt.
She looks down at your hands then away, to the floor. She's clearly annoyed, but at herself, not you. Maybe it's the whole situation.
"I know-" She pauses, her rasp quieter than usual. "I'm- I- This is hard for me okay? I-" She trails off, sighing.
"I'm sorry," You didn't want to upset her, that wasn't the end goal and to be honest it's not something you thought would happen, "I just..." here comes the truth, "I don't want you to disappear out my life... it scares me." You feel selfish and stupid saying it out loud. You don't look at her. You don't want to see her reaction. Instead, you tug at the loose threads of your shirt.
"Well I don't want that either." She closes her eyes, clearing her head, trying to formulate her sentence. "but I'm not gonna be that girl who waits-" She pauses, breathing in, "I'm not gonna be that girl who waits for someone who doesn't want her." She tries to subdue her facial expressions.
You're taken aback. Huh? Doesn't want her??
"I never said that." You say firmly, shaking your head in disbelief. "I never said that. Why do you think i don't- I'm sat on top of you for Christ's sake!!" You're upset and you're trying not to show it visibly. Why hasn't she said anything before?
She's looking at you now.
"I just- I didn't know you'd want to..." She finds the words, "pursue, a, uh, a-" She sighs. "I didn't know you'd want to pursue things further."
"You never asked." You sigh, trying not to let your emotions control your face. You rest your hands on her shoulders. "I do. I do want that." You say finally, nodding.
"Why didn't you say- you said it was best we forgot..." She's frowning but her hands move up the back of your top, holding you waist again.
"Because I thought that's what you wanted. I thought you just wanted to forget about this."
You avoid eye contact.
"Yeah, sure it would be easier for me to forget about this. It would be easier for me to pretend like none of this happened. But who says I want easy? Who says I don't want a challenge?" She removes one of her hands to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. She's trying to comfort you now. You know she saw all the emotions you were desperately trying to keep under wraps.
She sees your lack of response, closes her eyes for a second in contemplation then continues, "I want you, even when I'm out of this place" She feigns a look of defiance.
You smile.
That was probably hard for her to say out loud.
She's pleased by your reaction though, her eyes are soaking up your expression. What a pair. Both of you really great at expressing feelings.
"God we're a fucking mess." You laugh out.
"Yeah, we are," She smiles, her usual cheeky look returning, "a really fucking big one." Her hands rub up and down your sides as she speaks, "but you know how we can be a slightly smaller mess?" You raise your brows in question.
"By not wasting our last day together wondering what if." She grins.
"Mm, now you're speaking my language." You nod, cupping her the back of her neck and pressing your lips against hers once again.
You feel her smile against you and her hands slide further up your back.
But then she stops, pulling back.
"What about you when I'm gone?" You close your eyes, you don't want to think about this. Why did she bring it up?
"I dunno." You say opening your eyes, "I've got another year. A year where you'll be out living your life and I'll be rotting away in here." You sigh, glancing up at the ceiling. You didn't mean for it to come out as bitter as it did.
Her fingers trace patterns against you. Is this another comforting technique?
"Well," she says pointedly, "I'm not going to let you rot away in here. I'm gonna visit okay? As often as I can." She pauses, "and then, when you're out, you can come and stay with me, and i'll pick you up- or, collect you because to tell the truth and nothing by the truth, I never learnt to drive but-"
"Nicky." You say cutting her off, "that's just a fantasy."
She's quiet for a beat, before gently brushing your hair away from your face.
"It doesn't have to be. You trust me yeah?"
You want to smile but you're closer to tears. It's all just a little overwhelming. "Mhmm." Is all you manage as you look up in an attempt to stop your eyes from welling. You're embarrassed but you manage to withhold them.
"Hey." She says, pulling you against her chest and wrapping her arms around you. She's comfortingly warm.
"I promise we're gonna make it happen, okay?" She pressed a soft kiss against your head.
You breathe deeply.
"Hey," She leans you back a little so she can see your face, "okay?"
"Okay."

{I'm not reading this back through fully, why was this so long, where did this come from.

hope you enjoyed message any requests xoxo}