The Lost Queen

Ch. 21: Remorse

Jarrah was lost.

He was an idiot.

He was careless. A lost, careless idiot who pushed the one woman he loved more than life itself away with a single lie, and a single word. A lie that was meant to keep her safe, but did the exact opposite. And a word he pushed out of anger rather than the love he should have been showing her in the moment she needed it most.

Truthfully, he didn't know why he said it. He never thought of his mate as a "mutt" or a "dog" in any form. Rayne was a wolf, simple as that. And yet, he called her something so derogatory and awful in the heat of his anger, that he had no choice but to reflect on why he'd do something that disgusting.

But he couldn't come up with why. Had he not come to terms with his mate being a wolf? Did what his parents say finally get to him and he snapped? He loved his wolf, and ignored his parents, so that couldn't be it. Maybe he was just scared that she did something that foolish to put herself and their baby in harm's way. That she'd do something so reckless and jeopardize his baby growing in her stomach. Their baby.

Either way, what Jarrah said was inexcusable, and he tried his damndest to get her to talk to him in the two weeks she's been away from him. So far, there was no luck. She ignored every letter, every flutter past her window, and every attempt he'd make at reconciling and apologizing. She made it blatantly clear she wanted nothing to do with him, and even had her little henchman Ronan send a letter that made him feel even worse than he was already feeling. He didn't blame her, but it didn't stop that growing ache in his chest the longer she ignored him. He was mad at her for the first few days, but after the third day of complete silence, he just wanted her back. No matter what was said, and no matter what fault she had in it too. She could scream to the spirit realm how much she hated him on the top of her lungs, and he'd still love her more than anything in the world.

Jarrah sighed and tossed another rock, skipping it across the top of the stream he stood in front of. He needed a place to think, and it was the only place he could do it without his parents breathing down his neck for what happened. His mother didn't care that his mate wasn't talking to him, but she at least criticized him for keeping such important information from her. His father disapproved of the term he called Rayne, but knew about the experimentation. It was all just one big mess and he didn't know how to climb out of it.

All Jarrah knew was that he needed his Rayne and wished he could have just told her the truth to begin with. Lying to her wasn't worth all the pain and silence he caused.

A stick crunched behind him, drawing him out of his remorseful thoughts. He sighed to himself again.

"You never were good at being subtle," he said, nudging a pebble with his shoe.

"I've gotten better," the defensive voice of his best friend almost made his lips twitch with the ghost of a smile. Almost.

"Hmm."

Terryn appeared next to him in her fancy, senator dress that elegantly kissed the forest floor in maroon fabric that matched the cloth weaving through her pulled back hair. Her pink-lotus colored lips tugged into a slight smile as she looked out over the water, catching the sunlight across the rippling waves. Her quiet company made his world less lonely, though he still missed Rayne more than anything. If he had it his way, she'd be there instead.

"I'm sorry about what happened at the ball, Jay. I know how hard you worked to make it perfect for everyone," she spoke softly, disrupting the silence between them. He glanced down at her and caught the sympathetic grimace she shot his way, making his jaw tighten. "I'm sorry about Rayne, too."

He closed his eyes briefly, allowing his heart to fall to his feet. "My fault," he admitted, nibbling on his inner cheek.

"I know," Terryn agreed.

Jarrah reopened his eyes to look down at her. "You too, huh?"

Terryn put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You know I love you, Jay, you're my best friend. But you should have told Rayne everything, even if you didn't tell the kingdom. As your mate, and the mother to your heir, she had a right to know."

He rubbed a hand over his face. "I just . . . thought I'd have more time, I guess. Everything happened so fast and I—I didn't even know her being alive was completely possible until she came here."

"I know," she responded lightly. "And it doesn't take away what you did, and what you said."

Jarrah winced at the reminder. "I tried talking to her, but she isn't ready to hear from me."

"Give her a little more time," she suggested, sliding her hand from his arm. "I know how much you love her, Jarrah. You'll wait for her."

Jarrah looked up at the drifting clouds. "Forever if I have to," he admitted honestly, the wind tugging at his long strands of hair.

Terryn was silent for a moment beside him. And then he heard the faintest whisper of a, "As it should be."

For the next few minutes, they stared out at the water beside each other. Terryn leaned her head against his shoulder and he stood with his arms crossed, but allowed her to stay close. They may not be wolves, but the simple touch was nice, and he genuinely enjoyed the senator's company. She brought peace to the turmoil in his mind. He wished Rayne was there, but he was thankful at least he had somebody with him.

Terryn tugged on his arm toward his kingdom and nodded over to the palace. She wove an arm through his as they walked back to it. He was unsure about returning because it brought back painful memories of his favorite wolf. However, he couldn't spend the entire night outside. Again. For the fifth time.

"Do you remember Willow?" Terryn asked suddenly, capturing his attention.

Jarrah raised a brow. "The same Willow you said wasn't fit to be queen?"

She playfully rolled her eyes. "I was hormonal and fifteen, Jay. But yes, that Willow."

"Then yes, I remember her," he chuckled. Willow was one of Jarrah's many short flings. He thought he was in love with Willow and her toxic love for the crown. "What about it?"

"Well, I was thinking about her the last few nights as you've moped your life away," she started, ignoring his glare. "And it reminded me that Willow was never the type of woman to stay through the rough times, and I think you knew that. That's why you were so devastated when she left you. I think you knew deep down that it was over and she was never going too come back. Say what you want, but you cried for a week straight, Jay."

Jarrah shifted uncomfortably at the reminder. "The point, Terryn?"

Her lips twitched, but she looked up at him, gaining his attention. "The point I'm trying to make Jarrah, is that Rayne is queen material, which is why you aren't drowning your sorrows away. Rayne is going to come back to become Queen of the Fae, and she's still going to love you. You cried for Willow because you knew she was never going to be queen and knew she was never coming back. But for Rayne, I think you know things will resolve themselves in time."

Jarrah frowned, considering Terryn's words. He supposed there was a lot of truth to them, he just never thought about it before. Mostly because he couldn't risk that glimmer of hope just yet.

"I still have hope for Rayne. I didn't know if I could ever like her before we finally met, and I didn't know if I could stick around to see you happy with someone else," she continued, her voice quieter for a moment. "But now I can see how wonderful she is and how strong of an alpha and Queen Mother she'll become. You make each other so happy, Jay, even if you've only known each other for a few months. I've never seen a more imperfect, perfect match."

His chest warmed at her confession. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and gave her a side hug that she lovingly returned. With Terryn's help, he felt much lighter going back to the palace than when he left. And when she made him laugh and smile and joke around, it was the most normal he'd felt in the last few weeks.

Jarrah opened his mouth to joke back with Terryn, when the harsh clearing of a throat interrupted him. His eyes shot up to the front of the palace where the sound came from, and his blood froze like ice in his veins.