Come Back to Gusu

32. A wife and son and a donkey.

Wei WuXian stood in the doorway to his workshop and held out a hand. "It's snowing, Lan Zhan," he offered to the man currently playing Calming on his guqin. The flakes floating down were melting when they hit the ground. The light was dim, trying to pierce through the clouds and mostly failing; it almost looked silver if he squinted just right.

"Come inside, Wei Ying, and shut the door" Lan WangJi ordered. "You're letting all the heat out."

Wei WuXian laughed lightly. "And I'll complain that I'm cold? In a moment.... It's so pretty."

Lan WangJi rose smoothly and walked to wrap his arms around the other's waist. "You always like the first snowfall. Then you complain when it's too deep to walk in and the juniors haven't shoveled the paths properly."

"You know me too well, Lan Zhan." Wei WuXian tilted his head to give a light peck to his friend's cheek. It was amazing and wonderful and sweet and delightful that he could do that as often as he wished. He didn't have to ask or wait for bedtime. As long as they were alone, he could just... kiss or touch. In response, Lan Zhan turned his head to press a lingering kiss against the skin behind Wei WuXian's ear. It made him shiver, as it always did. Lan WangJi's arms tightened at the shiver, as they always did.

I like this. A version of the life I envisioned when I was young. Of course, back then I didn't think we'd be kissing. He chuckled a bit at his younger self's naivety. Two men living together platonically? Not that I knew two men could live like this....

"What's funny?"

"I'm just happy, Lan Zhan. I have everything I need. Even in this desolate place.... I'm just happy. And it's snowing." His cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling so hard.

"You have what you need.... What about what you want?"

What do I want? A sliver of a memory slid into his head. "I don't remember much about my parents. I have this one memory.... Baba is walking, leading the donkey Mama is riding on. They're laughing at some joke I can't remember. I was sitting on his shoulders laughing, too, even though I don't think I understood the joke. I... want that."

"Your parents and a donkey? Or...."

A vise squeezed his chest. "Of course I want my parents.... No. I want..."

"A wife and son and a donkey. Or just the wife and son?"

The vise squeezed harder. He swallowed, trying to remove the blockage in his throat. "Nothing so specific as that," came out quietly. Almost as quietly as the falling snow. "I want a little one, yes. Someday. Doesn't have to be a son. Doesn't even have to be born from my body. Just someone who calls me Baba or even XianGege or Shushu and feels as secure with me as I did with my own parents."

"You want a family."

Tears were threatening to spill. Baba, Mama.... I miss you so much. Why did you have to leave me behind? Why couldn't you have stayed with me? I hope you're proud of me, proud of who I've become. I hope you're not ashamed of what I'm doing with Lan Zhan. He blinked a few times to stop his eyes from betraying him. "I want a family," he agreed.

Lan WangJi rested his forehead on Wei WuXian's shoulder. "You deserve to have a family. People who love you unconditionally." He sighed and looked up again. "You don't have everything you need, then."

Wei WuXian twirled, pressing his hand against Lan WangJi's mouth. "I don't need a family of my own. I have Shijie and you and A'Ling and ChengCheng. You're all like my family, right? If I need to be around a little one, I can visit A'Yuan or A'Ling. Or there's bound to be a few dozen little ones roaming Lotus Pier in the next few years. I can borrow one or six for an afternoon, I'm sure."