Excavations

Heloise

In the chapel, falling to one's knees,
one is prone to visions:
visions of angels, of the empyreal layers
of heaven, of the face of one's God:
and the face of love.
A single tail-feather from the Holy Dove
is my relic, that I pray before.
Praying for visions. O Venus
have mercy on me!

for it is his face I see
at matins, at compline,
at every calling to prayer -
and at vespers, especially at vespers,
dusk is the cruellest time of all -
this vision of eternal love;

unreachable, untouchable,
beautiful beyond compare
is the face of my lord -

My God -

Teacher, friend, husband.
It seems only yesterday
that we last made love:
in the secret of the chapel,
the holy chants of the sisters
echoing from the cloister,
only our father witnessing
the consummation.
Holy Sacrament it was. The body of my lord,
the outpouring of my lord,
shed for love's sake
in secret marriage, sacred secret bonds
of holy wedlock.

My God. I had his son.
Astrolabe. The device used
to measure Heaven's distance.

And now he is gone. I, poor sinner,
can only see his face
in tormented visions -
would that he could be resurrected!
I long for the life after death that is to come,
eternal love, eternal life,
whether it be in the heaven
of his sweet speech,
or the fires of his passion...
it will all be the same.
For what is Hell,
but to be separated from one's Lord?
Am I not in hell suffering now?
Surely when I am called
all my sins will be purged,
forgiven; forgotten.

Sic et non he asked me. And I responded,
Yes. Yes, I will follow you.
Through the gates. I will follow you forever.
Even into Hell.

And now, manless, wed to one
who unmanned himself when his manhood was lost,
I have only the face of the Divine
to console me. Bride of Christ!
Where is my faithless lover?

Even his name, I mouth in prayer -
Abelard. A strange prayer
in this chapel, where all prayers
are mumbled in Latin
for an unknown God;
but I, who am chaste as Mary,
have had visions of my saviour,
one who will come when my existence is finished
and will carry me, at last, to safety.
Abelard, I pray. O come
and have mercy on me.