Pip's Ophidian Book 1: Beatlebug & The Provider

Chapter 11: I'm Fine

"I'm fine," Pip said. He said it to Doc later that same day. He said it to his Ma, after he was done not-crying in front of her, after she had finally convinced him. Now, days later, he said it to Lil.

She stilled in her arrangement of the potted plant she'd brought him. He didn't know why she'd brought it. Even beyond his inability to keep any of the plants she brought him alive, he was to go back to his quarters tomorrow and was getting ready; it had been almost a week. About as long as the lifetime he had spent- no, cut that thought off, no.

Lil sat down in the lumpy yellow chair his Ma had so recently vacated. She looked at him, and he tried not to know how she was feeling.

"Know" how she was feeling. Echos of his brainwashing.

"What happened over there?" she asked softly.

Pip looked up at her quickly. He knew Ma had told them all not to ask that question. Something about the disobedience touched him, however, and he tried to grin. Tried to look her in the eyes, and failed. She didn't seem to mind too badly, though. "You know that I don't know. It was all..." he wiggled his fingers around his head. Remembered Mel pushing back his hair and cut off the memory with a snap.

"Ok," she said, "say it was all pretend. Maybe it needs a pretend solution. One that isn't," she added, wiggling her own fingers around her head, "pretending you're fine."

A lump rose in Pip's throat. He felt suddenly overwhelmed with love for her. "I don't know what to say," he said softly.

She reached out. Stroked his hair from his face. "Just say it all," she said, "it doesn't have to make a lot of sense."

And then he said it. He said it all.

About the egg. About Jesse and the blanket room and Sharp and Pops and even Jesus, though she tittered at the name. About eating bugs with them all crowded around him, laughing, joking. About "She Who Would Destroy Us All" and "warship" and "cult." About Mel.

Oh, Mel.

When he finished, Lil was quiet. "Mel's a boy?" she said.

Pip shrugged, looking quickly away. "Right now, anyway," he said, finally.

This seemed the least important detail, and he was embarrassed by what she assumed, why she cared, though would it be that far from the truth? Bonds and warmth and the feeling of Mel's forehead pressed against his, Mel's breath on his mouth. Love. Love.

It was always going to be a boy, if he felt this way. He'd known that since he was 13. Known what it was, too: sin, according to the Prophet, and that was before the interspecies aspect of the whole thing. Which he thought was really the more pertinent concern if she was assuming what he knew she was assuming. Lil was very faithful, though. Of course her concern was that he might not be able to attend Temple meetings.

"It's like. Like knowing someone fully, immediately. The way they communicate. You learn them all at once, and then again, every time they think and act. Mel... Mel feels very deeply. Is curious about everything. He loves completely. Loves everyone. Until he doesn't. But then he can, again, just as quick. It's total honesty. It's knowing a whole person. It's-"

"You love him," she said, and it was a statement of fact.

"I had to," he whispered. And then cleared his throat. Tried to snap the next part, but it came out meek instead. "He made me."

"Made you what?"

"Love him."

"It doesn't sound like he had any choice either. You said he felt... grief, about it?"

Pip shut his eyes. His very soul ached. "He didn't have a choice. He said he'd been looking forward to it, bonding. And then it was me. But I didn't have any choice either," he whispered, voice hard. "No one did. No one had any choice, after the first one. Though I couldn't tell you what the first one was."

Lil looked away, worrying at her lip. She reached behind herself then, into her knapsack, and pulled out a tablet. "I think I know, Pip," she said softly. "And I think you need to hear this."

Pip blinked. "Hear what?"

"I found it. Was trying to find out about... something, in the Sustainability lab. I was searching through deleted files."

He gaped at her. She looked terrified. "I didn't know you were such a rebel," he joked, but she didn't rise to the bait. She just shook her head, and spoke quickly and quietly.

"Use the headphones," she said, and produced a pair. Not the ones that connected to the ship's wifi, but an honest to God pair of old fashioned wire looping headphones, frayed and ancient. He stared. His heart was in his throat. "Wait till your Ma isn't around for sure. Wait till everyone's left, tonight. But listen, Pip. Listen to this. I need... you need to hear it, I think."