Reflections of Love

Am I not normal?

Ava

"Are you okay? " asking myself in my bathroom mirror, trying to find a suitable answer to convince my soul that i am normal. No matter what my reflection could not find the answer. No matter what this reflection of mine is not comfortable in my own skin.

Splashing water on my face, the abnormal question on hang as always. I dressed up to go to the office, taking a glimpse of my look in the mirror. Putting a convincing smile open the bathroom door and find my roomie, my friend, my office colleague not in the same team because of the different skills we worked on. But yes my friend who is with me for so long in all good bad situations. Even my own skin is not comfortable around me but she is here.

"You are always late you know"  Nisha is glaring at me. I tried to make a puppy face which she doesn't understand because I know it does not look good on me.

"Oh am I? " and she is still glaring at me. "You are the one who made me late, you wanted to watch another movie last night"

"Still I woke up before you" she said while packing MY bag.

"What can I do if you are a control freak, wake up early, do yoga, eat healthy, sleep early" I tease her "except sunday of course when you drag me to watch movie late night" She halted her packing bag and looked at me and I said "so it proved we are late because of you. "

"Can't you take blame once on yourself" she said and continue packing.

"Not even once" I laughed while putting on my shoes. I can't say that I can't sleep after our movie night like every night. I have to basically exhaust myself to sleep because of my itching thoughts. It's my every night routine.

My friends think of me as a cheerful girl who finds something funny in her mind, saying it loud not even thinking once. And something means anything. They are here because of it.

Sometimes i wonder if they get to know the real me, what they will do and what they will think about me. Or simply they judge me and leave me. I know they're supportive of my every fucking thing. But I wonder if they are still supportive if they know.

These thoughts made me anxious, clenching my palms together so hard that it hurts but I like this feeling because it makes me away from my demon thoughts,making myself rooted. I started a packing bag laptop, charger, notebook, water bottle all the needy things are already placed seems like my friend packed everything for me. I added a few tissue papers because I'm a clumsy person who could not do one thing perfectly .

"Thanks as always for not making me late" I teased Nisha who is looking at her phone whole heartdly smiling. "And tell him to hold for while we are already late".

"Okay maam let's go, you will know this feeling when you find someone" She said still typing in her phone.

"I don't think so I ever" I whisper. Nisha did not hear me thankfully.

We make our way to the office. Parking our car is basically her car in the basement parking lot, waiting for a lift with one more company like everyday. this guy come everyday at same time when we come. But we always  arrived late because of me but I will never ever admit this to Nisha.

I noticed him couple of days ago but I think he is coming at the same time like us from long back. Not sure if he is the same guy or I am mistaken. As I am not that observant person.

Soon elevator open and we are all in. I pressed 7th floor butten, this guy didn't need to because yeah we are in the same compamy. But I have never seen him inside office since I started noticing him. Okay noticing is storng word I guess. Soon the elevator opened and we made our way inside, the guy was going in another direction oh so he really works in a different department and when I searched my card to go in my department and I found out great, as you know I don't do things perfectly even for a day I forgot my I'd card in car. Fucking perfect start of monday.

Taking the car key from Nisha I made myself to go down to take my card back. And hey hey what I noticed that guy is taking staircase going upword. Then why he did not go through lift itself. There are only 9 floors in building.
And above one is another tech company. 9th is roof top cafeteria which is common between both tech companies. Maybe he is completing his daily target steps.

Shrugging those thoughts I made my way to the car. Unlocking it and another surprise I did not find my card. Like really What the hell. Now I have to make my 4th one-day temporary card for this month because today I'm definitely not sure where my actual card is.

So yeah I am clumsy, irresponsible, far beyond perfect.

The perfect word is beyond my dictionary. I could say in my 25 years of life this word does not exist. When people say nobody is perfect I want to punch them wholeheartedly. Being a single child who has lots of responsibilities to fulfil it is not good for me. It's not that my parents who forced me to do anything, they love me whatever I do if it's good for me. But I don't have control in my life, I don't know what my future holds or if I can bear anything because one day everyone knows who I am.

A little scared person who scared to look at herself in fucking mirror, who can't even comfortable in her own skin. For me the mirror is a reminder of the flaws that I can't esacpe no matter how hard I tried. I could not explain this WHY ME.

The only answer I found is I am broken beyond normal.