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closer

-moony-

I can hardly believe what James told me. I'm walking toward the castle in a fog... James and Peter keep a few paces behind me, giving me space. My feet crunch over the old snow; the wind is chill, turning my cheeks red, but I ignore it.

How? How could Sirius do this? I don't want to face him, or anyone. I want to hide away in the Shrieking Shack and never return to the castle. I'm afraid of the scared but excited faces, pointing fingers at me. I know it'll be that way. Werewolves are terrifying. I am one, so I understand just how terrifying they really are—we werewolves, we're even worse than wizards fear.

"Remus?" Peter asks hesitantly. He's worried for me, I can tell. So is James. Sirius is missing—he doesn't care, not even enough to face me and tell me how little I matter to him. I can't believe that he would betray me like this. I thought he was at least my friend, even if James was always more important to him than me, but friends don't just tell your worst enemy your deepest secret.

"I know you're upset, Moony," James tells me. "But I really think Sirius didn't mean to do this. I think he's sorry."

"He didn't mean for Snape to find out I'm a werewolf," I reply flatly, "so he told him how to get into the Shrieking Shack during the full moon." My voice begins to rise both in volume and in pitch: "Oh, I suppose you're right, he just wanted me to kill Snape so I'd be kicked out of school! Perfect for him, two birds with one stone—he gets rid of both of us at once!"

"I'm sure he just wasn't thinking—"

I just laugh. Not thinking? It sounds to me like he was thinking perfectly clearly. I just wish he would have told me he hated me instead of trying to get me expelled. I would have left him alone.

"G'morning, lads!" Hagrid's distinctive voice cuts through the chill morning air as we pass near his hut. "What're yeh doin' out so early?" I glance toward him out of habit; he's standing in his doorway, and his new puppy is bounding around his hut energetically, barking at piles of snow. The young black dog makes me think painfully of what Sirius might have looked like in Animagus form when he was little, and I look away, letting James and Peter greet Hagrid.

"Morning," Peter says, sounding slightly depressed and sullen.

"Just out for some air," James answers Hagrid's question rather weakly.

He looks suspicious, but nods. "Alrigh', then—come visit me sometime, will yeh?"

Peter and James agree half-heartedly, but I don't even attempt to reply. Peter waves to Hagrid, and we continue up to the castle in silence.

I can see my breath in the air, but my blood's so heated by anger that it doesn't surprise me. Despite that, by the time we reach the steps leading up to the castle my legs are nearly numb. I can't believe Sirius would do this to me. I thought I meant more to him than that... But I don't know where I got that idea. Probably he never cared about me at all. I'm just nice to have around because I'm a werewolf. Maybe I was just an excuse to become Animagi illegally, and to roam Hogsmeade at night. I guess that's all I ever was to Sirius.

"Remus, what are you doing?" James asks quietly.

I realize I've stopped in front of the castle doors. I'm just staring at them blankly. I blink and shake my head, turning to look at James, but I don't reply. He looks very worried. At least he cares, I guess. He opens the castle doors and waits for me to enter first. I hesitate a second, but then I bow my head and step into the castle. I can hear the noisy chatter of students in the Great Hall, and there's a steady trickle of them leaving to head to classes; breakfast is nearly over.