anxiety.

fifteen.

"truth is heavier than fiction. gravity lifts as the projectionist rolls tape, and it makes us brave again"

scarlett.

i walked downstairs to see my mom working on her computer in the kitchen. i poured myself a cop of coffee, adding in cream and sugar. i sat down at our dining room table and scrolled through different social media on my phone. the morning news was faintly playing in the background. something the reporter said caught my attention.

"today marks the three year anniversary of the death of a local london teen who was fatally shot while traveling to new york."

"wait mom, can you turn that up?" i politely asked and she grabbed the remote to raise the volume.

" we sadly remember the tragic death of troye bander, who was found dead after wandering around the streets of new york with two friends when shot by members of a gang. the names of the friends with him at the time have still not been released to the press by privacy request of the families. walk with us to honor troye's legacy as he would've been a junior at kingsbury high school this year. we hope you all join- " i shut off the tv, staring into space.

troye bander, troye bander, troye bander.. i know that name. i climbed upstairs to my room and opened my closet, searching for all my old yearbooks. i found them in the corner of my bookshelf and laid them out on the carpet in front of me. i looked through every yearbook i
owned, staring with kindergarten. it wasn't until middle school that i found his picture. i gasped as i read the caption of a photo of him from year eight.

pictured (left to right): mason block (8), troye bander (8) , and connor o'brien (8) ecstatic to find out they will be playing football for kingsbury high.

i traced my finger over the glossy picture. pure happiness radiated from their faces, something i could tell even from the flat dimension of the image. the more i thought about it, the more i remember him being around connor. connor never mentioned a thing to me about his death.

my curiosity intensified as i continued turning the pages of the yearbook. i saw him on different pages for various different sports teams. i teared up a little thinking about how i barely even knew him yet i felt so affected by his death. he was pictured over and over again along with mason and connor. a particular page stood out to me. it was the what's happening this summer? page with quotes from students about their summer plans.

"my best friends and i are going to new york for the first time" - troye bander (8),
describing plans with mason block (8) and connor o'brien (8)

everything started to click in my mind.

you need to come
over. now.

connor 🏈❤️
everything okay?
on my way.

everything's fine,
just get over here.

i heard the sound of a knock against my door and instantly rushed downstairs. i swung open the door, grabbing the collar of connor's shirt and pulling him inside.

"woah scar, chill out." he groaned, removing my hands from the tight grip i had on him.

"what do you know about troye bander?" i half-whispered, half-yelled to not disturb my mom.

connor's entire body froze as his eyes widened. i'd never seen him become so rigid before at a question. the air became tense as he rubbed his arms.

"i-i don't know what you mean.." he stuttered. connor never stutters, except for when he's nervous or lying. i crossed my arms.

"you better stop lying to me right now connor and tell me what you know about the death of troye bander. were you there the night he died? was mason? the news broadcast said he was with his two friends who remain unidentified. i looked, there's so many pictures of you, him, and mason in our year eight yearbook." i sassed.

"you want the truth?" he questioned and i nodded angrily. connor gently took my hand and led me outside onto my patio. we sat on the hammock as he began telling me the story.

i was brought to tears by the end of it. i saw connor's eyes watering as he told me his story. i was in a state of disbelief and shock.

"mason just l-left?" i asked, shaking my head. connor nodded with almost no emotion on his face.

"that's not true. mason wouldn't do that. that's not the mason i know. mason would have stayed there until an ambulance arrived. mason would have helped." i carried on, trying to convince myself at the same time.

"you ask why i don't like mason. you wonder why i have no trust in him. well, this is why. our best friend was dying on the cold concrete and mason ran away like a coward." he spat harshly. you could tell he was still angry. he spoke about it with fire in his voice and every word was like adding gasoline to a flame. it scared me to see him so enraged.

i threw my arms around connor and hugged him tightly. i cried silently as i thought about how my perspective of mason has changed. how would i be able to trust mason knowing this information? if he wouldn't help his best friend in a time of death, why would he help me at all? connor wrapped his arms back.

"scar - scar hey it's okay." he spoke, placing his hand on my back and rubbing it up and down. "it was a long time ago, i've moved on."

my phone started vibrating in my back pocket and i picked my head up from connor to view it. it was an incoming call from mason. "do you wanna answer it?" connor asked as he moved a few strands of hair that stuck to the dry tears on my face.

i shook my head and pressed decline. " i don't want to talk to him right now." 'or ever again' i thought to myself. i laid my head back on connor's chest with a whirlwind of emotions i couldn't decipher myself.

"you okay?" connor looked down to my face, trying to figure out for himself.

"am i okay? you just told me about how you witnessed your best friend bleed out in front of you. are you?" i whispered in disbelief at his unbelievable sweetness. i should not be surprised though. connor has always had that personality, always putting others before him.

"and i told you that i've moved on." he answered stubbornly. "so how are you?"

"i'm confused and i'm angry at mason for something i wasn't even there to witness. and i'm now worrying because what if something bad happens to me and all i have is mason? should i have to worry if he will help me or run.."

"well first of all, you should never be worried that all you will have is mason because i will always be there for you. remember i'm always a call away. i understand your fear, but mason seems different around you. maybe he has changed from that day, it was three years ago."

my phone buzzed again, signaling that mason had left me a voicemail that i'd listen to later. i sighed, staring at the screen.

"you can't ignore him forever, you know." connor reminded me. i nodded my head in agreement.

forever is a very long time. i couldn't put mason off for more than a few days. i know myself and i knew that without him i'd start feeling lost. he had undeniably become my other half.  ignoring him wasn't the solution to this issue, but i didn't know what was. i don't know how to process this information that's been given to me. i feel like everything i know about mason is a complete lie because the mason i know doesn't run away like a coward when an innocent boy is dying on the streets.

i want the mason i know right now. i want him to hold me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be alright. he had a certain magic in his voice because when he said it, i actually believed it. but now, now i don't know what i believe anymore.