Dearest Punishment

Jude

I haven't taken poisons for months now, but I imagine that if I started again, it would feel like this.

Kissing Cardan.

The magic in him, the fact that a fragile oath is all that's stopping him from ripping out my throat, the knowledge that this is a terrible idea makes me dizzy and sick. Taking poison is tempting fate, kissing Cardan is lying down and letting fate run over me.

But like my poison addictions, the rush of euphoria balances out my instincts for danger.

Cardan's pushing me back against the car, and I'm dimly aware of the cool metal numbing my skin. Everything else is far too hot.

His mouth slants hot and hard over mine, and I can taste chemical sweetness on his blue-stained tongue. His hands are in my hair, gently working it out of its ponytail. My eyes slide shut as his fingers brush along my scalp.

I wish I was as experienced in this as he was, but truthfully I have no idea what I'm doing. I let my hands go almost automatically around his arms, fingers fisting in his silken hair at the back of his neck. Hard enough that it probably hurts.

Cardan makes a sound low in his throat, and his fingers tighten in my own hair.

The amount of self-restraint I can master is rapidly, rapidly lowering, and Cardan seems to be the same. He moves his mouth down my neck until I'm arching back into the car, and says into my collarbone, "take me back with you, Jude."

And the problem with terrible ideas like kissing Cardan is that once you start, you won't be able to stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It takes him a while to finally convince me to let him into Vivi's. I make him swear a ton of stupid and likely unnecessary oaths - he promises not to steal anything, not to call anyone else to come into the house, not to interact with any of Vivi and Oak's stuff. If I tell him to leave at any point, he swears to go immediately.

I can't think of anything else. It's hard to think while I'm fumbling for my keys and Cardan's breath is hot on my neck.

The light is off in Vivi's room as we go past - which makes me breathe out a sigh of relief. I can only imagine what she'd say if she saw me now, how foolish I'm being. But I can't really bring myself to care.

We go down the hallway in near darkness, and Cardan loops his fingers in mine. My breathing is loud and unsteady. My footsteps creak loudly on the floor - Cardan being who he is, he makes no sound.

When we reach my room I stop in the doorway, eyes narrowing into the dimness. Cardan can see much better than I can, I feel his gaze sweeping across the room, taking in my rather pathetic amount of items and furniture. I feel suddenly, stupidly, self-conscious.

Until Cardan's fingers tighten around mine, and he says, "it's rather a small bed."

I elbow him. "You can always find accomodation outside."

"I'd rather be here with you," he says, and the humour is gone from his voice. His lips brush my ear as he murmurs, "a lot more than you know."

I take a few steps forward and my knees hit the bed as I turn to find Cardan in the dark. He kisses me again, slower now than before, and my legs fold against the bed frame until I'm sitting down and he's sitting with me.

I remember what he said to me once, drunk and poisoned, eyes far too bright. Sweet Jude. You are my dearest punishment.

And you are mine, I think now, pulling him down with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I doze fitfully, unable to truly calm down enough to sleep. No matter what Cardan promised me, I will always be on edge around him.

He doesn't seem to have the same concerns, asleep beside me with his face buried in my neck. Or maybe he just doesn't care anymore.

Carefully, trying not to move his arm that's draped over my waist, I raise a hand and brush Cardan's hair away from his forehead. Soft as feathers in my touch.

He doesn't wake as I press my lips to his brow, or as I gently pull myself away from him and sit up. Cardan, likely exhausted, just turns over to lie in the empty space I'd left.

I sit there on the edge of the bed looking at him for longer than I should. Then carefully, quietly, I stand and make my way to the bathroom.

The light makes me wince as I flick the switch. I'm a mess - my reflection in the mirror has wild hair, swollen lips, a flush over her skin that doesn't fade.

I'm still electrified from what we did, what we came so close to doing. And I'm so, so out of my depth.

I reach out a fingertip and touch the mirror, meeting my own gaze. You are the queen, I tell myself. You, Jude, are done being someone else's pawn.

I can use this chance to get a result I want. And just like that, I feel better. I know what I need to do.

Rifling through the bathroom cabinets, I find what I need in an old First Aid kit. A stitching needle. I hold it under hot water, counting the seconds, before pricking it into my finger.

A bubble of red wells up, and I smile.

Cardan's still asleep when I come back into my room. He barely stirs as I gently say his name, as I brush his hair out of his face again. Good.

I lean forwards, pressing my bloody fingertip to Cardan's mouth. Stoking it gently, like a caress. His eyelashes flutter, and I slide into the bed quickly, kissing his jaw.

"Jude?" he murmurs. "Is it dawn?"

"Not yet," I whisper, lacing my unbloodied fingers through his.

He breathes out, and is still. Carefully, I put my pricked finger to my mouth and suck the blood away. And smile.