SHE(clexa)

Chapter 3: Part Three

Her Winter Break is weirdly okay.

She realizes how much she misses constant sunshine, the beach and well-made Mexican food. She spends most of the daytime lazing around, watching their maid, Rosa, cook all the dishes that her presence allowed Clarke to grow up with. She spends her evenings watching TV with her mom and Marcus, talking about everything but the pink elephant that's slowly shrinking into non-existence. She spends her nights watching incredibly bad television and debating whether to call or text the last person she ever expected wanting to.

"You know," her mom says on Christmas Eve, uncharacteristically falling to lie across the foot of Clarke's bed. It feels new and old at the same time and Clarke tries to stop hope from growing in her chest. "I thought you'd be going to more parties than this. I thought you'd want to meet up with all your old friends. How's Wells?"

Clarke shakes her head and throws her mom a pillow to rest her head against. "I haven't really spoken to Wells in a long time."

"He must be really busy," her mom comments.

Clarke snorts. "Yeah, busy," she says. "But also mad because I told him I didn't want to have sex with him anymore."

Clarke watches the TV and quirks an eyebrow in her mother's direction when she looks up in surprise. Her mom's shock transforms into amusement and she laughs before reaching to hold Clarke's ankle.

"You never cease to amaze me, Clarke," her mom chuckles. "You always did know what you wanted."

That makes Clarke's smile fall. "Maybe I used to," she says. "I'm not so sure anymore. This year has been weird."

Her mom stiffens and falters. "I—I just want to be your mom again, Clarke."

Clarke waits before nodding and reaches down for her mom's hand. "I know," she whispers as their fingers tangle together. "I know that. And I see that you're trying. I see how good Marcus has been for you. I see how hard you've worked to get better." She frowns. "I'm really proud of you for that, but... I wasn't really talking about you."

Her mom rolls onto her side and shuffles closer. She holds Clarke's hand and Clarke feels so strangely upset by it that she doesn't know what to do.

"I did a lot of stupid stuff," she whispers, giving into a need that she's held for such a long time to just be her mother's daughter. "I think I hurt a lot of people without meaning to. I keep doing all this stuff with no regard for the people around me and I just... I think I've ruined something I didn't realize I needed to not ruin."

"Clarke..." her mother starts and Clarke just smiles, looking down at her lap as she picks at the edge of her t-shirt. "Are you okay?"

Clarke doesn't know. She doesn't know anything anymore. She doesn't look at her mother as she answers.

"There's this girl..." she starts before scaring herself and stopping. If she says it out loud, that means it's real. If it's real, then it's something else she doesn't know how to fix. She shakes her head and laughs it off. Her mom moves closer and urges her chin up so she can see her. Clarke shakes her head and then lets her face fall in worried disappointment. "I think I broke it."

Her mother reaches up to rub the worry from her brow like she used to so many moons ago. "What, honey? What did you break?"

Clarke swallows and shakes her head. "I don't know," she admits. "And that's the problem."

Her mom clicks her tongue and then shuffles up the bed until she can sit beside her. She reaches to stroke Clarke's hair. Her hands press surely and encouragingly and there's a part of Clarke that doesn't want to give her mom this power back yet because she's not sure if she trusts her with it. But it's inherent, this need for comfort from the broken woman beside her. Clarke thinks she might get it, this forlorn, thick feeling of being lost that kept her mother from her for so long. She thinks she might understand what could make someone lose who they are completely.