𝐈𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐥 𝐀𝐭𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 (Completed)

17. H E A R T A C H E S & D E C I S I O N S

This chapter is dedicated to PTV_SWS_TOP_MCR_9 for always making my day with her beautiful support and comments ❤️ I truly appreciate it 🙏❤️

C H A C E'S P.O.V

I wasn't able to sleep a wink. My mind was flooding with tons of unwanted thoughts, it didn't help make the ache in my chest go away.

For nineteen years, I've never experienced this type of pain. This pain that is believed to make you develop several doubts about yourself, you can't explain it.

This pain that constantly crushes a side of your brain, you suddenly forget what it's like to think freely.

This pain that reminds you are never going to get second chances. It is this pain which keeps getting worse, I'll never be good enough for anyone.

Not even for Hurricane, Jaden or Reed for that matter. I tilt my head to the side, she is fast asleep on my arm, her hand hugging my waist. I find it ridiculously adorable when she snores, her breath tickling my neck, I can't help but smile. If I could go back and take back the horrible things I said to her I know she will never walk away. I want to open up to her and tell her about who I really am, the real me.

The actual me .

I want to muster up my balls and tell her about my miserable, fucked up childhood. But at the same time, I am not obligated to do so, her life is nothing compared to mine and I shouldn't be drawing any forms of comparisons. Hell, she shouldn't be here lying next to me.

I shouldn't be wasting my time with her when I know we are not going to go anywhere.

I guess I finally understand why I don't deserve a wonderful person like her and it is time I accept it. I don't think I'll get the latitude to love someone ever, again. There's a poison inside me that refuses to go away a poison that controls how you need to act, but you end up acting and saying things the opposite of what you should be saying.

I never asked for this.

I sometimes wish if I were like the other guys who are in relationships and treat their partners the way they should be treated, it scares me and I don't want to wake up Hurricane and tell her all these thoughts, all these things that are corrupting the air surrounding me, I can't breathe. I can't see clearly. I can't think straight.

As much as I hate to say this, she is partially to be blamed. It is best if I'm not around her anymore. She doesn't need a screwed, washed up guy like me who tries everyday to clean up his act, missing her is going to be a problem I'll never be able to overcome. Would she feel the same if we switched positions? I don't think she will. I don't have a direction I don't have a purpose.