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AS IF YESTERDAY WASN'T ENOUGH, I HAD WOKEN UP TO THE FEELING OF THE ITALICIZED OH NO SETTLING DEEP INTO MY BONES AND SOMEWHERE FARTHER BENEATH

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AS IF YESTERDAY WASN'T ENOUGH, I HAD WOKEN UP TO THE FEELING OF THE ITALICIZED OH NO SETTLING DEEP INTO MY BONES AND SOMEWHERE FARTHER BENEATH. Copious amounts of head shakes and terrible monologues had nothing on the realization sitting in the middle of my chest, wrecked in the prettiest shades of glittering Jupiter and all its moons combined.

It burned like a bright, livid thing, rising up to the horizon.

And it felt precisely like all of the heavens conspiring against me, because despite the ruckus in my heart, I was supposed to be at school in less than an hour. Rest wasn't an option since I always chose to overthink when things didn't go my way, and the tired blueness in my eyes upon staring at my reflection just solidified my case.

The thought of facing him was an awful idea. Aberrant, horrendous, appalling—and yet, my heart seized in an emotion all-too opposite. While my mind chanted hell no, over, and over, my heart almost rejoiced.

My most vital organ was a fucking traitor.

So I did what I was best at: ignoring my feelings and every responsibility that came with it. Examinations were in less than a month anyway, and overwhelming myself with truckloads of syllabus was a far better idea, one I would readily agree to over whatever this was.

I did know better, yes. I knew running away meant more harm than good, and ignoring the massive attraction I felt towards him could only let the feeling ten-fold and become something way out of my grasp.

But I was a certified dumbass for a reason—and I'd never listen to my voice of reason when I could achieve a fleeting moment of peace, even if it meant welcoming a raging storm sometime later.

It had rained some more by the time I reached school, and coach finally decided that making us run on the open ground as a warm-up when the sky was pouring down wasn't as good of an idea in practice as it seemed in theory. Corridors hummed with the usual chatter when we were dismissed, and by the time I was in English, one thing was painfully obvious. Evan wasn't here.

And he wasn't there during practice, either, so this wasn't him just missing classes. He'd told me once how he would not show up to certain classes if he'd completed the course portion being taught beforehand. Once, I had found him in the school library, engrossed in a heavy book of Psychology—a subject he seemed to show interest in. Another time, I stumbled upon him helping someone with Calculus despite not having Math as one of his subjects.

I had asked him how he was so good at it despite being an English student, and his reply was so nonchalant that it made me angry. I've always liked math, but I couldn't take up so many subjects at once.

How in hell could a singular person do so much? My daily breakdown over Physics seemed pathetic now.

More importantly, he was absent from school after messaging me that he hoped I would be present today. My mind and my heart weren't even on the same page, and it felt like I was having a strong conflict of interest within myself—something Xavier, seated right behind me, took a close notice at.

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