The Perfect Girl

6

The spoken word poem above is one of my favourites, and it makes a lot of sense with this book, so please listen to it!

"And they say don't look past her face, She's not worth it anyway,"

After dinner, there was a short period of relaxation, and then Jana came over and we made our way down.

I had my swimsuit in my bag, because I didn't really want to go through the trouble of trying to find something to cover up while I walked to the pool. The swimsuit didn't expose much skin, but it was pretty tight.

Ameena and Safiha met us at the pool.

I went to change, and when I got back the pool had begun to become crowded. I recognized some of the girls, from around the hotel or events. And then I spotted... I spotted Safa.

She wasn't looking at me, but I could see her face clearly as she laughed, talking to Safiha. Her hair, short and dark and smooth as ever, was tied in a ponytail that looked good on her but wouldn't have looked good on me at all.

She was wearing a tight swimsuit that showed all the good parts of her body, and I wasn't jealous, exactly, but just insecure about my own. It wasn't even just Safa, but everyone here seemed to have a perfectly nice body, and I looked down at my own and couldn't help wanting to rip it to pieces.

I pushed away the feeling, slipped into the pool.

Jana was talking to Ameena and a girl I didn't recognize. I was alone, and I didn't like it. I swam up to them, putting on a smile.

"Hiba, how are you doing?" asked Ameena, noticing me.

"I'm good alhamdulillah. How about you?" I asked, relieved at her acceptance.

"I'm doing great, alhamdulillah."

"As salaamu alaikum," said the girl who'd been talking to them, flashing a grin at me.

"Wa alaikum us salaam."

"This is my friend," Ameena introduced, "Karina. Karina, this is Hiba."

"Nice to meet you," Karina said.

"You too."

I figured we'd get along well, since she seemed so nice.

***

I didn't speak another word the entire conversation. Jana fit right in, and I barely recognized her. I wondered what script for the perfect conversation had been sent out to every girl here and who had forgotten to send me one. Everyone seemed to be on the same page except me.

There was nothing spiteful in how they talked, nothing bad. I was just disinteresting, and so I was unimportant. They seemed completely oblivious to my existence. Finally, we got out and got into the hot tub.

As I walked, the water pulling my already tight swimsuit closer to my ugly body, I felt self-conscious. I felt like maybe everyone was staring at me, the fat girl who wasn't enough, just not funny enough, not pretty enough, not cool enough, and the whole emotion felt so childish and so immature which just made me feel worse.

Safiha paid no attention to me, she had her own friends, and mine had forgotten me. Everyone chattered, even girls who didn't know each other introduced themselves to one another. I watched as Jana navigated this world that was so unfamiliar to me. She didn't look at me.

My eyes were burning from something in the water, I think, and all I could think was, no one else's eyes are that red, why are your eyes red, why can't you just be like everyone else?

I didn't even understand why it felt so big, why my eyes being red felt like a major failing but I was so far gone I couldn't pull out of my thoughts. It all felt so totally rational in my daze, though it was really so strange.