The Asher Complex

07: Dissonance

POPPY

I woke up on Saturday feeling like such an idiot. I can't believe Gabe is sleeping with Jenna. And I can't believe I propositioned a guy I barely knew and then, to make matters worse, got denied! The rest of the weekend was a complete and utter write-off. Other than a couple of sporadic study breaks, Priya and I just vegged out and binged watched Grey's Anatomy. We both sobbed during the entire helicopter crash episode, even though we've already watched the entire series. We ordered a ridiculous amount of comfort food after being tossed through that emotional wringer. Carbs are necessary to deal with the loss of our precious McSteamy. That being said, our Postmates bill was so obscenely high, I'll probably have to eat instant noodles for the rest of the week to balance it out.

This morning I attempted to go for a run but ended up just jogging to Starbucks for a latte. I want to blame my lack of energy on having a lingering hangover, but honestly, I think it's because I'm sad.

Unfortunately, sadness is not a valid excuse to turn in assignments late, so I'm hunkered down in the library writing an excruciatingly dry paper on cognitive behavioral therapy. Ironically, CBT is used by therapists and counselors to help patients become aware of how their negative thinking can affect complicated situations, and provides methods for dealing with said situations in a more effective manner.

The past two days I've done a lot of negative thinking.

It's difficult, though, pulling yourself out of that headspace. It's like a vicious cycle and even though I am acutely aware that I have many things to be grateful for, to be proud of, I still find myself drifting to those dark corners of my mind.

I don't want to be the type of person whose entire source of happiness stems from being loved by someone, but I'd be lying if I said my phone call with Gabriel hasn't messed with my head. He didn't text me all weekend, which made me think he was being serious when he said to move on. Or, maybe he just said it because Jenna was there. I don't know. But this morning, as if our conversation never happened, he messaged me saying I miss you.

I haven't responded yet, I'm letting the text marinate. And as the hours pass by, I teeter between wanting to say I miss you, too, and fuck off.

Right now, I'm leaning more towards the latter.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I refusing to let go of someone who clearly has no respect for me? He's sleeping with Jenna Larsen, that is a fact. Yet, why can't I cut the cord? As a psychology major, I should be able to answer that. No, I probably can answer that. It could be because Gabe bruised my ego, attachment issues, or that I'm not capable of dealing with rejection. It could also be because love activates chemicals in your brain similar to drugs, and when that love is taken away, it's like you're suffering from withdrawals. Really, any of those theories could explain it, plus a plethora of others. But knowing the reason doesn't help; my heart still hurts. It was supposed to us until the end. This was supposed to be temporary.

My throat suddenly feels incredibly dry and I chug the rest of my water bottle. A hand on my shoulder startles me and I spill the cold liquid all down my shirt. Crap.

"Sinclair!" I turn my head to find Aiden standing behind me with a stupid grin on his face. "You got a little something right there." He points to my chin.

"Aiden, you can't just creep up on me like that!" I wipe the water from my face and use my sleeve to dry myself off. "Also, this is a library, maybe keep your voice down."

Aiden and I are in the same program. Although, he seldom comes to class and when he does the entire lecture becomes the Aiden show. He's so funny and charismatic that even the professors laugh at his jokes. We were partnered up for a project last year and now I suppose we're friends. Well, he thinks we're friends. I'd say we're more acquaintances. Priya loves Aiden because he reminds her of Jackson Avery from Grey's Anatomy. 'We'd have such cute babies!' She's not wrong. If they had his looks and her brain, the kid would rule the world.