Fool's Apocalypse

Let the scheming commence

The curtains were drawn and the creeping sunlight revealed what the dying candles could not see: Two dead bodies in arms; one slumped over an oak table, the other resting peacefully on the back of their chair.

An assortment of guards checked the room and its wares for any clues to this case. But it wasn't really hard to piece together, not when two key people were missing from the dinner party. An elderly man finished inspecting the clotted stab wounds inside Monty's belly. He softly lifted up Valerie's head, to reveal the dagger's end sticking out from his nose, like an ornamental beak. A tall individual on the other side of the table heaved at what he saw, using a nearby satin handkerchief to keep back down what wanted to come up.

''I'm sorry, Marcus,'' the elderly man said to the tall fellow with his face turned the other way.

Marcus looked back around to the bloodied face. He began to heave again.

''That's enough. Get him out of here. Smarten Valerie up if you can.'' He removed the handkerchief away from his mouth and dropped it on the table.

''This was bound to happen one day,'' Marcus said to a rugged man by his side. ''But Valerie always had a sicking taste for the oddities in this life.''

''We'll find those who killed your brother, Marcus. Any special words you want relaying to the culprits before I take care of 'em?''

''Maybe a bouquet of flowers?'' Marcus whispered. ''Harsh of me. No. Bring me along, I fancy a chat to someone living for once, Quen.''

''Who will tell your mother and father, Marcus?'' asked the old man, as he laid a cloth over Valerie's head.

''I guess... I will?'' Marcus heaved. ''Delicately.''

My eyes wouldn't open. I had to peel off the sleep which had glued each one shut. A small stream flowed out in front of me. I dived my head into it and drunk until I started to choke. I drew my head up to see a couple of rabbits feasting on a tasty mound of grass. They even had a friendly deer next to them - for a few seconds, I was convinced that the stream was actually just their piss, which I'd been slurping on and splashing over myself... it wasn't, I'm glad to say.

Realising that I was a human, they buggered off. I felt sad, but they were very wise to be wary of the species I came from. As the bushes they fled through began to calm, I noticed a lady sitting with her back against a tree - Hope. I scurried on hands and knees towards her, I could barely walk, so as I clumsily tried to stop, I ended up head-butting Hope between the legs.

That woke her up. Hope punched me repeatedly with both of her fists on either side of my ribs. I lifted an embarrassed head out from under her dress, as an old tree branch exploded over my jaw. That was enough force to throw me onto my side.

''Matter? Haven't you heard of permission before?''

I lifted myself up, spitting out a tooth. There goes another one, I thought. I lifted my arms up over my head, heedful that Hope still had a branch to hand.

''Sorry. It looks bad. I was actually coming over to see if you were OK.''

''You've a strange way of checking for a pulse,'' she sniggered, throwing what was left of the dead branch at my head.

''Ow. Sorry.'' I sat down. ''Are you alright? How's the, erm...''

''The severed tit, the nose-less nose? Painful, the infection will probably kill me. But who cares, that bell-end did me a favour - not like I needed these things.''

''He was a bell-end, wasn't he?'' I laughed back.

''The worst.'' Hope carried on laughing, painfully grabbing the aforementioned areas.